


Brain Camp

by jupiter_james



Series: Saving Ourselves [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canon Divergence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-06
Updated: 2013-08-23
Packaged: 2017-12-17 20:33:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/871686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jupiter_james/pseuds/jupiter_james
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An AU-ish story of Kaidan Alenko and John Shepard both attending Brain Camp together.</p><p> </p><p>  <i>In Chapter 10 Kaidan and Shepard try to move on after Brain Camp.</i></p><p>Stay tuned for the sequel! Thank you so much!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Vyrnnus

_Jump Zero sucks hard,_ John Shepard thought for the hundredth time since he had arrived at the deep space station for biotics training. He had hated every inch of the place since the second he arrived three months ago. It smelled like oil and eezo, was painted sterile white and gray, the food tasted like ass and old shoes, and worst of all, was boring as hell. 

His head ached all the time. Most of the other students were as boring as the scientists. All he wanted to do was go home. He heavily resented all the shit that the scientists were putting him through. His biotic amp jack itched incessantly. And then, there was his roommate. The prissy bastard, Kaidan Alenko. Three years older, and man, did it show. He rarely spoke to anyone - almost no one now that the students had been separated into smaller groups after having their amps installed. What was the point of all this? He couldn't stand the training. The few friends he'd managed to make were now living on some other part of the station for some unknown reason. They weren't even allowed contact outside of their groups. Their omni-tools had been locked to prevent unauthorized messaging. What a life.

Shepard bent low over his uninspired breakfast in the mess hall. Misery weighed on him just about as heavily as his headache. A chair scraped out on the other side of the table. He glanced up at his buddy, Daniel, acknowledging him with only the slightest of smiles. Kaidan, sitting further down the table, ignored them both.

Daniel pushed his tray aside to lean over the table in a conspiratorial manner. "Hey," he whispered. "I've heard some news about the rejects."

'The rejects' were how they referred to the students who had been transferred. Rumors had started early about the disappearances, though most speculation centered around the kids being rejected from the program for a variety of reasons. Failed biotic amp integration, side effects, lack of potential. 

"Yeah?" Shepard tried to sound interested, but couldn't muster up the enthusiasm.

That didn't dampen Daniel's mood. "Yeah," he echoed. "Rahna told me so it can't just be gossip, right?"

The mention of Rahna's name got Kaidan's attention. Shepard rolled his eyes. That guy was nothing if not predictable. He felt like he was the only one on the whole station without a crush on that girl. Being gay, it made sense, but still. She was nice and soft spoken and beautiful, sure, but he lacked the same protective instinct that the rest of them seemed to have for her. But one thing was for sure. She never spoke ill of people or gossiped, so Shepard's interest vaguely piqued at her intel.

"What did she say?" he asked.

Daniel grinned and leaned forward even further. "She said she overhead a couple of the scientists talking about how some of the other kids have gone crazy. Like, _crazy_ , crazy. From the implants. That's probably why they're locked away from the rest of us."

"Good old fashioned cover up, then?" Shepard said drily.

"Something like that." Daniel collapsed back into his chair and pulled his tray back. They ate in silence until one of the instructors entered the mess and called for attention.

"There are going to be some changes to your training starting this afternoon," he said in his boring, monotone. "We have decided to bring in a biotic expert to help speed along your progress. He is a high ranking turian who knows a great deal about biotics, so we're confident he'll bring out the best in all of you. His ship arrives in an hour, so please take this time to get cleaned up and meet back here. Be punctual." He left without another word.

Shepard and Daniel exchanged mystified glances. Kaidan appeared unaffected by the news. 

"What the hell?" Daniel mused in a low voice. "Aren't turians, like, the enemy?"

Kaidan huffed. "Thought you'd be all over this one with your conspiracies. We're freaks. Might as well be aliens to the rest of humanity. So why not let the aliens have at us? The scientists aren't teaching us anything; they're studying us. Only your parents care what happens to you out here." He stood, gathered his tray, and left.

Shepard followed him with his eyes until the dark-haired mystery left the mess hall. He tucked away the insight into Kaidan's mind he'd just received. Hated aliens enough to actually say more than two words about them. Interesting. He finished his breakfast and rushed to follow Kaidan back to their room.

* * *

An hour later the students gathered in the mess as instructed. The tables were pushed back and they were put into a neat line. Shepard shifted on his feet, never able to hold still for very long. He snuck quick glances at his roommate every now and then. Kaidan looked like he was made out of stone. He had pressed his lips into a thin line, copper eyes fixed hard on a spot on the back wall.

Shortly, a procession of scientists filtered into the room with a tall, scarred turian following in their wake. Shepard was struck. He'd never seen a turian in the flesh before, but this one looked every bit like a hardened soldier. His clothes were all black with red accents and his face paint was bright white, chipped in places. He marched straight to the middle of the line, right in front of Kaidan. The boy pulled his shoulders back like he was holding a deep breath in.

Noticing the movement, the turian looked straight at Kaidan. "My name is Commander Vyrnnus," he stated, voice filled with gravel. "I was at the helm of the dreadnought that killed your father."

For a moment, no one even so much as blinked. Then Kaidan did something that shocked Shepard straight to his core. He raised his head, met the turian's gaze directly and opened his mouth. "My father didn't fight in the war," he answered in a tight, defiant voice.

Shepard marveled at his gall. Kaidan Alenko was the straightest arrow he had ever met. Where had this sudden audacity come from?

Vyrnnus's mandibles twitched. "Pity," he answered, then immediately turned away to the rest of the group. "I will be in charge of your training from now on, and there will be changes here, as promised. If any of you are to learn how to properly control your biotics, which is debatable considering human physiology, you must let them become a part of you. Starting today, if there is a task achievable by using your biotics, you will use them. They will become an integral part of your life. I am not here to be your friend or your parent. I will not coddle your weak bodies and minds. Do as I say at all times. Follow my instructions to the letter. That is how I work, and how you will learn. We will begin combat training tonight once I have familiarized myself with the station. You are dismissed until evening exercises. Use your last free hours wisely."

He turned towards the scientists, nodded, and they all left. Shepard caught sight of Kaidan as he pivoted to exit out the back door. The boy's eyes were glued to Vyrnnus and he was shaking hard. He jumped when Shepard gently tapped his arm.

"Hey, Kaidan, what's-"

Kaidan shot him a quick glare and brushed him off. He disappeared until the evening training in the gym. He spoke to no one and sat against the wall, expressionless.

Vyrnnus entered the room exactly on time and got straight to business. The students gathered in a loose circle around him at a respectable, fearful distance. Kaidan remained seated.

"The first lesson you must learn," Vyrnnus said, "is what your biotics can and cannot do. Some of you will naturally be more suited for combat biotics, others defense. What you are capable of is best learned through trial and error. You." He pointed at Kaidan. "Stand up."

Kaidan dragged himself up. 

"You have all been taught the basics," Vyrnnus continued, "but knowledge does no good if it is not used." He dialed up his omni-tool and an attack drone appeared.

Kaidan took a step back warily.

"Defend yourself," was the only warning Kaidan got. The attack drone jolted forward. He had no time to pull up a biotic defense before the drone detonated, throwing him backwards. He hit the floor with a surprised grunt.

Before his brain caught up with his body, Shepard had vaulted to Kaidan's side. His biotic field crackled around them both.

"What the hell was that?" he demanded. "You could have killed him! You didn't even give him time to prepare!"

Vyrnnus stood over them both, impassive. "Your name?"

Shepard clenched Kaidan's arm tightly, blocking him bodily from Vyrnnus. "I'm Shepard. John Shepard."

"Shepard. You made an acceptable barrier. But remember, there is rarely time to prepare in a war. You may take your... _friend_ to the infirmary. I hope you have learned something here, young man."

Shepard helped Kaidan up and rushed him from the gym as fast as he could before Vyrnnus changed his mind, only stopping out in the hall to check for injuries. Kaidan gripped his ribs with a grimace. A massive welt was forming just over his left eye.

"You all right?"

Kaidan came to himself hearing Shepard's voice and shoved him back. "Are you insane? You want Vyrnnus to come after you, too?"

Shocked, Shepard spread his hands. "No, I... what? No. I just... I wanted to help you." Kaidan stumbled and Shepard caught him. "We'll talk about it later. Let's get you to seen to first. Come on."

For the first time, Kaidan looked at him. Really looked. He reached his hand up and swiped at Shepard's nose. Shepard pulled back slightly at the sudden touch, feeling just as startled as Kaidan looked. He wiped his own nose and came away with blood on his hand. "Shit," he muttered. Kaidan smiled out of the corner of his mouth and stopped fighting him. He gritted his teeth and allowed the younger man to lead him to the infirmary. The doctor who greeted them clicked her tongue sympathetically. "Got to you already, did he? Lie down, Alenko. Let me have a look. Clean yourself up, Shepard."

She deftly worked on Kaidan while Shepard went to the sink and washed his face then returned to the bed. "He gonna be okay?"

The doctor pushed him aside. "He'll be fine. He has a few broken ribs and a minor concussion. You're his roommate, right? Come back and collect him in a few hours."

"Yeah. Sure." Knowing he could do no more, Shepard stuffed his hands in his pockets and shuffled to the door. "See you later, Kaidan."

He got no response from the bed.


	2. Ceasefire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard doesn't understand his own jealousy. Kaidan tries to be friendly.

The last thing Shepard wanted to do after leaving the infirmary was to go back to training, but if Vyrnnus was willing to injure a student for back talking, he hated to think of what he would do if someone skipped a lesson.

When he arrived back at the gym, he found the other students divided up into small groups and lifting light training objects with their biotics. Weighted balls, boxes, and bags trailed gently into the air. Vyrnnus moved around the groups, observing without comment. Shepard slipped to a sitting position next to Daniel. "Hey," he said in a low greeting.

Daniel nodded his head in answer but could spare little more attention than that. Sweat beaded on his forehead as he lifted a weighted metal box into the air. Shepard focused his biotics and pulled a ball towards him, and juggle it in a lazy circle. A massive headache was slowly blooming behind his eyes after the earlier rush of unrestrained powers. However, he wasn't going to give Vyrnnus the satisfaction of having it out for him, too. He had the distinct impression of being on thin ice already. After only a minute or two of moving the balls around he felt a warm trickle of blood from his nose. He ignored it.

Time crept by in what felt like eons before Vyrnnus called for them all to stop. Sighs of relief spread throughout the room. "Today's lessons are complete. You may return to your quarters. We will continue this tomorrow. Do not forget what I have said. Use your biotics just as you would your arms. I will be watching. Dismissed."

Slightly light-headed, Shepard got to his feet and wiped his face on his sleeve. Nice. Two nose bleeds in one day. No time to think about it, though. He rushed back to the infirmary to collect Kaidan before lights out.

He found Kaidan sitting up and receiving a final checkup from the doctor. His eye had almost swollen shut, but he appeared to be in less pain. He met Shepard's eyes but didn't greet him.

"I want you to stay in bed for twenty-four hours, Alenko," the doctor said. "And take it easy for a few days. Your ribs should heal quickly with the treatment I gave you, but the tech is still experimental, so there's no guarantee."

"I will," Kaidan acknowledged. 

"Shepard, you can have him back now. See that he eats something and takes his medications properly."

"Sure thing, Doc," Shepard answered, already helping Kaidan off the bed. The older boy stepped gingerly and leaned his weight on his roommate heavily. They said nothing on their way to the elevator, and Shepard didn't press him. He just wished Kaidan would at least look at him.

Once inside, Kaidan released his grip on Shepard and fell back against the wall. 

Shepard shuffled his feet for a moment, suddenly uncomfortable with the silence. Then he said, "I'll... I'll bring you something from the cafeteria, okay?"

Still Kaidan said nothing. They reached the dorm floor and Kaidan exited the elevator on his own. He stopped after rounding the corner.

Rahna. Beautiful, calm, unassuming Rahna. She was waiting for them outside of their room, holding a tray. She blushed pink as they approached. A sudden, brief thrill of anger shot through Shepard at the way Kaidan responded to her. He stood taller and even smiled a little. More than that, he actually talked to _her_.

"Hey, Rahna," he greeted in his slightly hesitant way. "What brings you here?"

_Seriously?_ Shepard crossed his arms. "If you're gonna feed him, you should take him inside quickly before anyone sees you. The other guys won't be so happy with the show of favoritism." He turned on his heel and stalked back to the elevator, confused at his anger. Hating himself for being so harsh. Not at all sure what in the hell was up with him.

Instead of going to the cafeteria, he went to the empty gym. He set up five training dummies along one wall and jogged back to the other. He stared hard at them, remembering what Vyrnnus had said earlier about finding out if he was more suited for offense or defense. At that moment, with his blood pumping audibly in his ears, Shepard knew. A crackle of blue surged around his hands and forearms. He let his anger and frustration build, focusing it on the biotic field. With a shout of rage, he released energy pulses towards the dummies in quick succession. Warp. Pull. Throw. Smash. A final shockwave that toppled the dummies, shredding some of them. The biotic field crackled away with his fury, draining him completely. He sank to the floor and wiped the sweat from his forehead, the blood from his nose. Pulling his legs up and draping his forearms over his knees, he muttered, "fuck this place."

* * *

Rahna had gone by the time Shepard returned to his room, but he couldn't miss her recent presence. He smelled the slightest hint of a flowery scent left in the air. And then there was Kaidan. Bastard was smiling.

"Rahna just left," he said, as if it wasn't apparent.

Shepard grunted as he stripped off his uniform and pulled a T-shirt and sweatpants on. He threw his dirty clothes into his footlocker with force.

"You mad?"

Shepard failed to keep the bite out of his tone when he whirled around to face his roommate. "Do you care?" He regretted the words instantly for the look they put on Kaidan's face. Part shock and part hurt. He felt a small stab in the pit of his stomach.

"You should get to know her," Kaidan tried again after a moment with forced lightness. "She's really great."

"Not my type," he mumbled, rolling onto his bed and making a show up pulling up his omni-tool to mess around on the extranet.

Silence again. Naturally. He let it slide on for a long time, trying to keep it up until his stubbornness won out against Kaidan's, but from his peripheral vision he could see cinnamon eyes staring intently at him. It made his face itch. 

"Why are you so mad?" Kaidan broke the quiet.

Good fucking question. Why _was_ he so mad? Had he been expecting something? Sure, it pissed him off that Kaidan hadn't even bothered to thank him for standing up to Vyrnnus. It also annoyed him that he acted all smiles and casual chat with Rahna, but with Shepard he always had a sour expression and behaved as though it caused him physical discomfort to say more than a few sentences to him. Shepard couldn't fool himself. He thought Kaidan was hot. The most attractive guy on the station, in fact, but his lame attitude turned him off in a big way. So, what was it? Did he simply want a real friend? Someone who made this hellhole just that much less tedious? He didn't know. He didn't understand. And frankly, he was too irked to even consider it anymore.

"I'm not angry," he answered.

Kaidan refused to let it go. He sat up straighter in the bed. Shepard made a move to jump up and help him, but stalled the impulse before his legs could do more than twitch. 

"Can I ask you something?"

Shepard gave his roommate the benefit of the doubt and turned off his omni-tool. He met Kaidan's curious and guarded gaze. "Yeah, I guess."

Kaidan appeared to be weighing the costs and benefits of his question. He never pried into anyone's life, rarely asking personal questions, offering nothing of himself. After a long minute, he sucked in a breath and said what was on his mind. "Ever since we got stuck together we've sort of been at odds, right?"

Shepard shrugged.

"I've been thinking about it... a lot, in fact. I have no idea what happened between us. It's been bothering me."

Shepard's eyes widened in surprise. He thought Kaidan paid him no mind ever. He'd seriously been worried about not getting along? "Bothering you how?" he ventured carefully, feeling a tiny ache flash somewhere in his chest.

"I mean, I don't want to be your enemy. I'd rather be your friend. Look, I know I'm not good with people like you are. I don't have many friends. To be honest, I don't really _care_ about most of the other students here. It's just... I dunno. I'm grateful for what you did for me today. Standing up to Vyrnnus like that. No one else would have. And maybe... I'm hoping we could be friends, or something."

_Or something?_ Shepard knew he was taking it the wrong way, but it made him smirk a little, anyhow. A weight lifted off his mind. They'd gotten off on the wrong foot, but Kaidan seemed genuine in offering an olive branch, so Shepard took it.

"Yeah," he said. "We can be friends. I'm sorry for being an ass about Rahna before."

Kaidan beamed. "No worries. I get it, you know? Everyone's got a crush on her. I'd have been jealous in your position, too."

Jealous? No. Not in the way Kaidan was thinking. Shepard's smirk grew to a wry smile. Kaidan had no idea at all. 

"So, since we're friends now, you wanna tell me what happened with you and Vyrnnus?"

Kaidan turned his face away. Shepard hated to push their fragile ceasefire a second after calling it, but he had to know. Stubbornly he thought he deserved it after what he'd done today. He waited for an answer, refusing to let it go.

Sensing his obstinacy, Kaidan almost relented. "Nothing happened."

"You know what I'm talking about," Shepard insisted. "Is it Turians? Military people?"

He shook his head. "I just don't trust them. Why would I? It's true my father didn't fight in the war, but he served. He's told me a lot of stories. You probably think I'm xenophobic."

Shepard shrugged again. "The war was awful. A lot of people lost their lives. I get it. The Turians lost a lot, too, though."

Kaidan huffed. "Maybe, but you saw how Vyrnnus acted. So full of himself. So proud of killing humans. I can't stand that attitude."

"We all hate it."

"I know that. I just couldn't stop myself quickly enough. It was stupid."

Shepard laughed. "Not even. It was awesome. I'm sorry you got hurt for it."

"I'm not," Kaidan answered. "Not really. Gives me something to focus on."

"Hey... I got your back if you need it. You know." He shifted, embarrassed. 

"Thanks, Shepard. I appreciate it."

Hearing his name like that made the ache hit him in the chest again. "Yeah," he said gruffly. "Take your meds and get some rest, okay? Good night."

He rolled onto his side and tried his best to ignore his own idiocy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I almost drowned in real life deadlines.


	3. Lessons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Shepard grow closer. Vyrnnus unleashes a sampling of the hell the students are in for.

The next morning, Kaidan looked greatly improved. The swelling on his face had gone down, though he still shuffled uncomfortably when walking to the bathroom, even though it was only a few steps from his bed. Shepard watched him carefully, ready to jump up if needed. But Kaidan was stubborn. He didn't bother to shower just then - that would have cost too much pain and effort - but he took twice his normal time brushing his teeth and retrieving clothes from his footlocker. 

When it was clear he wasn't going to ask for help, Shepard said, "you're not going down to the mess in your condition."

Kaidan snorted and stayed silent. 

"I'm serious, Alenko. Doc said to stay in bed for today. I'll go in a minute and get your food. Just stay put."

Kaidan turned to him and regarded him with an unfathomable expression. It set Shepard's teeth on edge. He expected nothing less than a fight from his roommate, and that pissed him off even before the dark-haired boy had the chance to say anything. So, he was surprised when Kaidan eased himself back onto his bed and said, "fine. Thanks."

The compliance made Shepard grin for no reason he could understand. "Great. Wait here," he answered in a rush. "I'll be right back."

He yanked his uniform on haphazardly and practically ran from the room to the elevators, tapping his foot impatiently at the torturously long wait. Once at the lower level, he jogged to the mess hall, stopping suddenly at the odd sight inside. Not all of the other students had come down to eat yet, but despite that there was food _everywhere._ And not in the proper places, either. Splotches of whatever high calorie crap was being served this morning coated the floors, tables, walls. The kitchen staff behind the serving counters looked extremely put out. Shepard glanced around. Vyrnnus stood in the far corner of the mess, well away from the students, observing. Ah. That's right. He wanted them to use biotics like their arms and legs. Clearly some of his peers found themselves with a huge struggle ahead. As well as messed clothes. He chuckled a little at the expense of some of his friends. Daniel parted the breakfast line, his tray wobbling dangerously as his biotic field destabilized in his panic to keep his food aloft. His hand shot out under the metal tray, but he was able to catch it with his powers before his fingers touched it. He quickened his pace to a nearby table, not caring who he sat with at this point; just grateful to be down.

Mercifully it appeared as though Vyrnnus was allowing the students to pick up their forks and glasses with their hands once they were seated. They'd probably all starve to death otherwise.

He made his way to the line. It moved quickly enough despite the mishaps. Shepard called up his biotics to take his food easily. He'd played with them like this since they manifested, so he was largely comfortable using them for small tasks. He spread his arms slightly wider than shoulder width as he wrapped the tray in his blue glow, feeling the weight of the tray registered through the field. The trick, he'd learned, was to train the mind to feel a tactile response to anything the biotic field touched. Then manipulating objects with the mind became exactly as natural as manipulating them with the limbs. Unless, of course, one wanted to lift an extremely heavy object. In which case it was best to numb the mind to the feeling so that the body didn't have the chance to assume it was being overtaxed. Shepard himself could only rarely biotically lift something heavier than what he could physically lift, but the occasion to practice almost never presented itself. He slowly lifted the tray off the counter as his hands raised up like he was holding it on either side. A soft voice behind him almost startled him into dropping the tray.

"Wow, that's pretty impressive, Shepard," Rahna said, her voice filled with genuine praise. He turned his head. "You're doing tons better than anyone else this morning." She smiled wryly and gestured around the room.

"I guess. It's not too hard once you get the hang of it." Unsure of how to treat her after snapping yesterday, he walked the food to a nearby table and set it down, though he didn't sit.

"Is that for Kaidan?" she asked.

"Yeah." He should really apologize. The words stuck firm in his stubborn throat. He coughed and said, "Sorry. About... you know."

She smiled warmly. "Forget it. You were worried, too, right? I understand completely. You're roommates so you're probably really good friends."

He suppressed an eye roll. "Something like that. But, really, I was more worried about you." Of course he meant it differently than she was going to take it. Only a half-lie at its core. He worried about her plenty. Butting into his territory. 

"Me? Why?"

He shuffled his feet trying to come off as unsure with a hint of bashful. "I mean, girls shouldn't be in the boy's dorms at all, but _you_... man, the guys would go nuts if they found out you stopped by especially to see Kaidan."

Her eyes widened. She honestly had no idea. That floored Shepard. Naturally, the girl knew she was pretty. She knew she was popular. She just didn't know to what extent. Probably best that way, though, Shepard mused. Teenage fantasies and raging hormones tended to be an alarming mix.

"I never thought of that."

"Figured as much," he replied, barely keeping the bite out of his voice. "Listen. I know you like Kaidan, and that's okay, but you should be more discreet. It's a small place here. There's not a lot to do. Not a lot of people. The guys all think you're some kind of goddess, and frankly, that keeps them on their best behavior."

"But you're not like that," Rahna said pointedly. 

Shepard raised his eyebrows. Rahna's face flushed when she realized what she had said. "I apologize," she breathed.

Shepard's expression eased into a smile. In that moment, the jealous demon in his chest eased its claws a little. He regarded Rahna a bit differently. Innocent, sure. But sharp. Playing her wouldn't work for long, so he hazarded the truth. "No, I'm not," he agreed.

Emboldened, she said, "I like that about you. Please tell Kaidan to get well soon." She turned and walked back to her table.

Shepard watched her leave, then turned around to carefully maneuver his try up with his biotics again. The walk to the elevator was slow and painful. He hadn't replenished his calories, thus his energy drained more quickly than normal. By the time the elevator doors swished open he about blacked out. The second they closed, he dropped the biotic field and deftly caught the tray in his hands with a long sigh. He thought about Rahna on the way up. How he'd been wrong about her. How he'd been unfair to Kaidan. It wasn't in him yet to admit defeat or fault, but he resolved to go easier on them. After all, he was painfully aware that the heart wanted what the heart wanted.

He reentered his room to find Kaidan sitting back on his bed reading a novel on his datapad. Shepard handed him the food with a flourish. "Your breakfast has arrived."

He wrinkled his nose. "This smells worse than normal. What is it?"

Shepard shrugged as he dug in his desk drawer for the hidden stash of protein bars he'd been stealing from the mess hall every so often. "They were going for pancakes, I guess? Who knows. At least it won't kill you." He tore the wrapper open, collapsed into the chair, and kicked his feet up on the desk. "I saw Rahna," he mentioned nonchalantly.

Kaidan paused bringing the fork to his mouth. Failed to meet Shepard's eyes. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah." He stared hard at his roommate, studying his reaction. Kaidan seemed to be aware of the scrutiny, though he ate his breakfast pretending not to notice. 

"What did she say?"

"She told me to tell you to get well soon." He reflected a moment, then added wickedly, "she also said she liked me."

"Ah." He said nothing else. Shepard allowed the awkward atmosphere to build. When it became apparent that Kaidan was willing to do the same, he gave in and said, "you're gonna turn avoidance into an art form if you keep going on like this."

"I don't follow," Kaidan answered in a tone that indicated otherwise.

"Exactly," Shepard chuckled. "Fine, I'll play your game. I'm talking about Rahna. You practically have a heart attack every time she talks to you. It's obvious you've got the biggest crush in the whole damn galaxy."

Kaidan's expression soured. "Not that it's any of your damn business."

"How is it not?" Shepard returned. "I live in this room, too, and it's like you're polluting the air with your bad mood. The little black rain cloud getting everything in his path wet."

Shepard caught the ghost of a smile that Kaidan couldn't stop. His chest squeezed and he wondered why he was going out of his way to push Kaidan firmly from his orbit into Rahna's. It didn't make sense. Not to him. He'd never in his life been one to put other people's happiness ahead of his own. Why in the hell was he doing it now? Disgusted with himself, he stood and dusted his uniform off. "Just tell her how you feel, already. You'll only be heartbroken if you drag it out longer than necessary."

He glanced at Kaidan. Held his eyes. Now it felt like he took a punch to the gut. Those russet eyes he'd memorized looked lost. Almost scared. "I wouldn't know what to say," he admitted helplessly.

His throat constricted, but Shepard swallowed back the choking shards of what might have been his heart. He forced a smile and said to Kaidan what he'd been thinking all along, even though the words weren't meant for him. "No one ever fell in love without being a little bit brave."

He stuffed his hands in his pockets and left to go to morning training just a little bit more grown up and a little bit more worn down.

* * *

Vyrnnus had a surprise for all of them when they gathered for exercises. The cavernous gym was completely empty. Vyrnnus stood in the center of the room waiting for the students to gather around him. Once assembled, he spoke.

"This morning's unfortunate performance at breakfast has brought me to a conclusion. A conclusion that you humans are utterly hopeless at doing much of anything without the proper... shall we say, _motivation_. Therefore I have prepared a special lesson to inspire every last one of you to try that much harder. Pair up. One male, one female." Before he even finished speaking, Shepard felt someone slide up beside him, arm to arm. He saw Rahna out of the corner of his eye. She looked terrified.

"Good," Vyrnnus continued. "Now line up along the wall and space yourselves evenly."

As they walked to their spaces, Shepard murmured, "what's up with you?"

Rahna grabbed his sleeve, not allowing him to get more than a few steps ahead. "You're the most talented biotic here," she answered in a low voice. "So whatever's about to happen to us, you'll probably survive it best."

Shepard smirked. Self-preservation, was it? He wasn't afraid of the Turian. Or pain, for that matter. Even after what Vyrnnus had done to Kaidan, surely the scientists wouldn't allow him to go much further.

They lined up side-by-side as Vyrnnus activated his omni-tool. Again he programmed in attack drones, one for each pair of students. He typed in a command and the drones flew to the other side of the gym, spreading out into a perfect row.

"These drones will attack you until you dismantle them," Vyrnnus said emotionlessly. "And they will harm you if you fail to keep your barriers up. Females." Several of the girls, including Rahna, jumped visibly. "Your job is to protect yourself and your partner. Use your biotics to generate any field or barrier you see fit. Males." Shepard gritted his teeth. "Dismantle the drones with your biotics. But be quick about it. It is unlikely you will be shielded for long." With that, he stepped back.

Rahna was shaking. Shepard touched her arm. She turned her face to him, white as a sheet. Tears filled her eyes, dangerously close to spilling over. He didn't need this. He had no ability to comfort. "Look," he said quickly. "Don't worry about the drone, okay? I've got good aim. I'll make sure to get rid of it quickly. Just concentrate on the barrier. Leave the rest to me."

"Defend yourselves!"

Shepard pushed her shoulder hard. "Get down. Barrier up!"

To her credit, Rahna pulled herself together in a split second. She dropped to her knees. Her biotic field erupted around them, encasing them in a large, blue bubble. Shepard should have told her to use less energy by creating a simple barrier shield in front of them, but it was too late for that.

The drones careened towards them, some faster than others. Shepard sought out the one meant for them and watched it like a hawk. He sucked in a deep breath, gathering biotic energy into his right hand, not wasting a single drop of energy and trying his best not to divide his attention to the others. Some of the drones had already made contact. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the girl next to them shriek as their drone closed in, hear fear causing the barrier to drop. Panicked, the boy threw a wild ball of dark energy that lobbed up towards the ceiling, missing by a mile. The drone detonated an electrical pulse and both of them collapsed to the ground, writhing in pain.

Sweat broke out on Shepard's forehead. This was serious. Rahna called out a warning. She squeezed her eyes shut. Shepard flung his arm as though rolling a bowling ball. A series of shockwaves burst forward towards the low-flying drone, hitting home. The orange sphere fizzled, flickered, and died away. Shepard made a small, triumphant noise. Rahna turned to him with a broad smile. Their celebration was short-lived. She toppled backwards with a cry of surprise mixed with pain. Shepard swung around to see what had happened. That's when he noticed five more drones attacking Rahna's faltering biotic field. He spared a precious moment to note that several pairs of students were nursing injuries, having been unable to stop the drones. He almost yelled to Vyrnnus, but the words died on his tongue when he saw the Turian watching them, his omni-tool on. He had _planned_ this. With a sharp curse, Shepard flung his right arm and then his left, desperately trying to make another shockwave powerful enough to destroy more of the drones, but for all the power his biotics had, he had never had much stamina, especially since he hadn't eaten properly that morning. He only succeeded in dismantling two more.

Rahna was bleeding from both nostrils and her biotic field shook more and more with each attack. Her arms trembled violently as she held them above her head to support the field. She stared at Shepard desperately.

"I'm sorry, Rahna," he said. Quickly, he dialed up his omni-tool and before anyone - including Vyrnnus - could react, he threw himself to the edge of the barrier and pressed his omni-tool against it. The field immediately exploded with electricity. At the same moment, he threw himself on top of Rahna, breaking her connection to the barrier. A high pitched crack of thunder sounded and he prayed his ploy had worked. Otherwise they were going to be in serious trouble.

His plan worked. After a long pause he chanced to pull himself up and assess the damage. The drones were gone. Vyrnnus looked furious as he strode over to them.

"You disobeyed my instructions," he spat.

Much like he had done with Kaidan, Shepard blocked Rahna from Vyrnnus with his body. "Yeah, well, your instructions were to defend ourselves. That's just what I did. That's what anyone would have done, especially in battle. Wouldn't you agree, _sir_? In a war shouldn't you use every available resource to your advantage? That's what I did."

Vyrnnus's mandibles twitched, but he didn't look about to throttle them. Instead he said, "I am surprised a human could think of such a tactic so quickly." He leaned down closer to Shepard, "however, in war it is also imperative to follow the orders of your superiors and not argue with them. Am I clear?"

Though it took every last ounce of willpower he had to swallow his retort, he answered, "yes, sir."

Vyrnnus straightened back up. "You are dismissed until after dinner." He eyed the group and made a disgusted sound. "Get yourselves cleaned up."

Shepard helped Rahna to her feet. She stumbled a little and appeared unable to lift her head. She thanked him breathlessly.

"I wasn't gonna let anything happen to you," he said. "Kaidan would've had my ass."

Her laugh sounded more like a choke.

"I'll take you to the infirmary. Let's go."

He guided her slowly to the infirmary, shuffling behind a line of other injured students. Hate and anger flared in his gut. How could the scientists let this happen? Were they honestly going to ignore what Vyrnnus was doing to them? The Turian bastard was a menace. Kaidan had been right to distrust him from the beginning. The infirmary was full when they arrived, so Shepard helped Rahna into a chair outside the room and gave her name to the waiting nurse. He took stock of the students, some looking as if their injuries were quite serious. This couldn't go on, he thought. No amount of research discoveries was worth this mayhem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for hanging in there during my slow writing periods. I'm hoping to get chapters out faster soon.


	4. Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan falls in love. Shepard makes a choice he regrets.

Shepard slammed into his room, startling a dozing Kaidan out of his peaceful day. The dark-haired biotic pulled himself to a sitting position, eyes wide. "Jesus, Shepard, are you all right?"

"Huh?" It took him a moment to register what Kaidan was talking about, his mind still a dull haze of anger and exhaustion. He glanced down and noticed just then that the front of his uniform and his arms were smeared with dark, drying blood. He unbuttoned the jacket and stripped it off with his soiled undershirt then went to the sink to wash the rest away. "It's not mine," he said grimly.

Carefully, Kaidan swung his legs over the edge of the bed and leaned forward. "Who got injured?"

"Who didn't?" Shepard returned bitterly. "Half the students are in the infirmary right now. Fucking Vyrnnus really is out to get us." In his agitation, he dropped his towel and bent to pick it up. When he straightened, a sharp wave of dizziness pitched him against the sink. He gripped the cold metal hard, taking several deep breaths to steady himself. _Please don't let Kaidan notice,_ he begged silently.

Luck was with him. Kaidan appeared to have been too worried to notice his stumble. "That bad? What did he do?"

"Attack drones again," he said, flinching at the slur to his words. "At least he's predictable. There's gotta be someone to tell about this."

Kaidan huffed. "Yeah, who? I told you already. No one really cares what happens to us out here. You remember what happened when the suits came to get you? What they told your parents?"

Shepard froze. Of course there was no way for Kaidan to know how it had actually been for him. No one was out there worrying about his safety. And no one had made anyone sign papers for his release to the program. There was none who _could_ sign them. "No," he answered, dropping onto the edge of his bed and meeting Kaidan's gaze. It took a moment for his face to come into proper focus. "I was picked up off the streets after a secondary exposure."

"Oh." Kaidan remained silent for a long moment, unsure of how to answer.

Shepard tried to shrug it off. "But whatever. It's no big story or anything. What happened when they came to get you?"

Kaidan cast his eyes down. Folded his hands in his lap. "At first they were really nice. Going for the soft sell on the program. They told my folks about how it was Alliance backed and privately funded. My dad serves, but he still balked at the idea of sending me away into deep space. So the suits left. Came back the next day, though. This time they tried to convince my parents I was dangerous. Dangerous to myself and others."

Shepard hummed, interested. This was how they got away with brining a Turian in? Fear mongering? He waited for Kaidan to continue.

Kaidan ran a hand through his hair. "My mom caved. They told her lots of stupid shit, like I'd break my own limbs and probably kill everyone around me by accident if I didn't go."

"And your folks believed it?"

Kaidan nodded. "Eventually, yeah. I mean, what else could they think? We still have no real idea what human biotics can do."

Shepard dropped his spinning head into his hands. "That's bull," he said, trying to play off his discomfort. 

Kaidan agreed. "Fear of the unknown is easy to instill if you have enough money and a good enough argument, you know? Here's the thing. Conatix knew how to get what they wanted. They accomplished more than just scaring families. They scared neighbors and communities, too so that there was no choice but to send us off. Then once they got us here they cut us off our communications. We're not allowed contact with anyone outside of Jump Zero. Ever. There's no help for us."

If Shepard's head hadn't been reeling, he would have laughed. "You're starting to sound like Daniel," he said weakly. 

"Maybe, but he's right sometimes. We're alone here and we have to stick together and watch each other's backs."

Shepard looked up. Bad call. His stomach turned and he fell forward, hearing a startled cry from Kaidan as he blacked out.

* * *

He had no idea what time it was when he woke up, but Kaidan's face filled his vision from above. He raised a hand to his face and scrubbed at his eyes. "What happened?" he croaked, trying to swallow several times through the sawdust in his throat.

"You just dropped over," he said, concerned. "Seriously, what went on at morning training? Did you eat? Are you hungry? Can I get you something?"

"Some water would be nice."

Kaidan jumped up and rushed to fill a glass. Shepard briefly thought he should pass out more often if it meant feeling Kaidan's warm hand on his back helping him to sit up properly in the bed. He took the glass and drank deeply. "Sorry I worried you," he said.

"No problem," he waved his hand dismissively. "Just low blood sugar, huh?"

"Yeah. What time is it?"

Kaidan glanced over at the clock. "Almost time for dinner. You well enough to go down?"

He nodded. "I'm fine. Really. How about you? Wanna go down to eat or should I bring our food up?"

"I'm good enough to go. Come on."

For the first time since they'd been rooming together, Shepard and Kaidan walked to the mess hall together. Shepard even hazarded to think that the silence was companionable. He never imagined that Kaidan would be so open with his anxieties about Jump Zero or his family. In fact, he honestly thought he'd been dreaming about them becoming friends. Kaidan glanced briefly at him and tossed out a crooked smile. Hope bloomed once again in Shepard's chest. Sometimes he laughed at himself holding a torch for such a straight-laced guy. Kaidan was everything he wasn't. Good family. Good education. Good life minus the three months they'd been stuck in this hellhole. But there was something about him. Something that Shepard couldn't place, but something he desired nonetheless.

When they arrived at the mess hall it looked a lot cleaner than at breakfast. In fact, it looked too clean. The students not still in the infirmary were sitting around the room, but no one had any food. Shepard looked towards the service window. No staff.

"What the hell is going on?" Kaidan muttered.

Shepard had no chance to answer. Rahna approached them, immediately turning Kaidan into a blushing, shy mess. "Shepard," she said brightly, "thanks again for your help this morning. Hi, Kaidan." She turned her eyes to him, her smile softening at his embarrassed return greeting. She touched his arm lightly. "Would you two like to sit with us?" Shepard opened his mouth to refuse, but Kaidan answered first. 

"Absolutely." He extended his arm to Rahna, who took it with a small giggle that made Shepard's skin crawl. Helpless he followed behind the pair to their table. Kaidan turned his full attention to Rahna as soon as they were seated. Shepard found it difficult to focus on anything they said over the ringing in his ears. Once again hot jealously ignited in his chest like heartburn. He turned away and stared towards the far wall just as Vyrnnus entered the mess.

"Attention, students," he called out sharply. 

Every head turned to him with trepidation. The air grew thick with unease. 

He rested his arms behind his back, pacing back and forth slowly while he spoke. "Today I have thought long and hard about motivation. Perhaps foolishness led me to believe the threat of pain might inspire you to at least _attempt_ using your biotics properly." He paused his pacing. "I was wrong. Humans obviously need a firmer hand." He resumed walking. "Therefore a punishment and reward system is in order."

The students cast uneasy looks at each other. From his peripheral vision, Shepard saw Rahna clench Kaidan's hand tightly. A gesture which he returned. Shepard crossed his arms over his chest, trying to ignore them.

"Therefore you shall be punished for your horrendous show this morning. Tonight there is no dinner. Perhaps empty stomachs might make you reflect harder on your abilities, or lack thereof. Good evening." 

The mess hall erupted the second the door closed behind Vyrnnus. Shepard didn't bother to join in the hubbub. He wasn't overly concerned about going without food. He'd stashed enough protein bars to make it for a few days. Now he was glad for his lingering paranoia about being cast out onto the street with no food or resources. What concerned him more was the storm of hormones swirling right beside him, creating a private oasis that only Kaidan and Rahna had access to. The two of them were sitting awfully close and she had her delicate hand resting on his knee. Shepard heard Kaidan say in his low, ridiculously charming voice, "hey, we'll get through this. I'm here. I'll help you in any way I can." He reached up and ran a hand through her long, dark hair.

Shepard thought he might vomit. He shoved his chair back and left quickly to retreat to his room. He flopped down face first onto the bed. His mind raced faster than he was able to process. All he knew was the boiling, unexplainable anger threatening to spill out from his eyes. He curled his knees to his chest. He had taught himself early on not to be vulnerable. Never rely on others. Always keep a way out. So, why? Why was he completely tied up in knots over some privileged jackass who stumbled over the simplest sentences when talking to a girl? Why should his heart get ripped out every time he heard Rahna's name spilling from Kaidan's lips tinged with happiness and longing only reserved for her? Why did he have to wake up in the middle of the night cycle each and every day just to memorize a little part of his roommate's unguarded face while he slept? Why? Dammit, why the fuck couldn't it be him? Why did he have to be so angry about it?

The door swished open and Shepard sprang from his bed. Kaidan. Kaidan. His name repeated over and over. Why did he look so happy? Elated, even? Why was his hair just so slightly tousled? Why did his lips look a pinch more swollen than normal? Why was his face flushed? Why was he reaching his hand out?

_Don't do it, Kaidan. Don't say anything. Don't let me hear your voice._

"Hey, Shepard. Good, you're here. Look, I wanted to thank-"

Shepard's lips were on Kaidan's before either one of them knew what had happened. Shepard immediately regretted and thrilled at the touch. The moist fullness of Kaidan's lips, his scent, his taste, shot straight to head. His craving was met, done, and delivered. He shoved his brown-eyed obsession back hard, swung past him and left the room as fast as his legs would carry him. Thankful for the wish fulfillment. Grateful it was all finally over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and critiques are welcome and loved! Please keep them coming!


	5. Confrontations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan confronts Shepard.
> 
> This chapter is NSFW. Explicit sexual content ahead.

Because of his street upbringing, Shepard was able to keep himself away from Kaidan easily. He'd staked out safe hiding spots almost the second he arrived on Jump Zero. Just in case something happened... such as what had just happened. Him making a total ass of himself. His favorite spot was an alcove near the station's main battery that almost no one went near unless there were massive mechanical problems. Which was pretty impossible here. He'd set up a spare set of bedding and even stashed some clothes and energy bars behind the bulkhead railings. In all honesty, he loved this spot. It was warm and dark and the constant hum of the main battery calmed him. 

He lowered himself onto the mattress and pulled his knees up, resting his forehead on them. What in the hell had he been thinking kissing Kaidan? Nothing, obviously. Fuck, but it had felt better than anything he'd ever imagined. It didn't even matter to him that Kaidan had just froze. Probably better that way. Easier. And there was that smell on him. Blessedly, Rahna's flowery scent hadn't rubbed off on Kaidan. That would have driven Shepard mad. No. It was something else. Cinnamon? Couldn't be. He didn't even know what cinnamon smelled like. Someone had once said it smelled spicy. So there was that. It had been a deep smell. Slightly musky, like sweat, but not the heavy kind. Not like he'd been exercising. More like the... excited kind. The adrenaline before the action kind.

Unable to help himself, Shepard fell onto his hack and unbuttoned his uniform pants with his right hand while draping his left forearm over his eyes, embarrassed. A hard-on? From just remembering his roommate's scent? Fuck, it was an awesome scent, though. He stroked himself lazily while the scene played itself over in his mind. Kaidan's voice, husky and filled with joy. Even if that joy wasn't aimed at him. His breath caught and he gripped himself tighter. The split second of surprise he saw in that amber gaze right before closing the distance. A wave of electric desire shot from his chest directly to his balls. Shepard activated his biotic field in his right hand, the hum of it sensitizing him more as he quickened his pace, feeling his heart rate rise and his hips pump with his thrusts. Precum beaded out from the head of his dick and he swiped it along the shaft with a quick, low moan. Kaidan's lips. Goddamn, they'd been so soft. So pliant. Trembling. His whole body had tensed and Shepard had been gifted with a fleeting moment of feeling Kaidan's taut muscles against him. He thrust into his hand faster and harder. His abdominals clenched and he sent a small shock of his biotics against his shaft. The sensation made his whole body convulse and he choked out Kaidan's name as he came hard.

It took Shepard several minutes to calm his heart. Then he reached for a sock behind his head with shaking hands. He cleaned himself off feeling unfulfilled and slightly disgusted with himself. But there was nothing for it. Even he could admit that much as he removed his uniform and tucked his waning erection back into his boxers. He laughed a humorless laugh as he realized with complete certainty that he was gone on Kaidan. Every last, traitorous cell in his body responded to that guy. Could he be more hopeless? Probably not. He closed his eyes and rolled onto his side, praying for the nightmare to just be over.

* * *

But of course, it wasn't. The next morning, Shepard slipped through the maintenance access door several minutes before morning muster so as not to get caught, and crept to the mess hall. He collapsed onto a bench near the entrance, waiting for the other students to arrive. The station was so quiet at this hour that there was no way for him to miss the shuffling of feet around the corner towards the windows. The sound was muffled and then it went suspiciously silent. He stood and peeked around to see who it was. He was greeted with the worst image possible burning itself into his memory. He tried to convince himself to turn away, but his body refused to move. Kaidan. Kaidan. Over and over and over in his mind. His fingers tangled in her hair. His lips on hers moving with unpracticed awkwardness. Rahna looked like a shitty kisser. She balanced on her toes, pressing her small breasts against Kaidan's chest. His hands slid down her back to her waist, not brave enough yet to venture lower.

This time Shepard really _did_ think he was going to be sick. Why couldn't he look away? Save himself from this. His stomach churned and his hands grew slick with sweat. He knew why he was watching. Somewhere in his mind he wanted more than anything to break his obsession with Kaidan. He wanted that asshole to somehow hurt him so badly that he wouldn't be able to come back from it. And this was doing a damn fine job.

The swish of the elevator broke all three of them from their reveries. Kaidan and Rahna flew apart and ran back down the hall, giggling like morons. Shepard stayed where he was, though his legs now felt unhinged. Two of the mess hall staff rounded the corner and spotted him.

"Up early this morning, are we?" the thin, older woman remarked.

"No wonder," the younger woman answered. "No dinner last night and all that training. You all must be starving. We've got a good breakfast planned, so don't worry." She beamed at him and Shepard offered a weak smile in return.

The older woman keyed in the code for the lock and gestured for Shepard to follow. "Come in and help us set up the chairs since you're here."

He followed, numb. Barely having heard the women. Dutifully he helped them unstuck the metal chairs from the tables. He sank into the last one he set down as the staff moved to the kitchen to set up the line. He put his cheek on the table, the cold surface a relief against his burning cheek. 

It wasn't long before the students began to arrive in small groups. The din roused Shepard from his thoughts. He dragged himself up into the line forming at the counters. He caught sight of Vyrnnus who stood in his usual spot near the back of the room, silently watching them gather their trays biotically. Waiting for missteps. This breakfast was just as messy as the last. Maybe even more so since everyone was exhausted. Shepard only managed to keep his tray aloft by virtue of being too distracted by Kaidan and Rahna's early morning make out session to think about his body's protest. He felt a tiny trickle of blood from his nose as he sat down at an empty table. He wiped at it, hardly taking note. 

Kaidan. Somehow he knew the second he entered the mess. It felt stupid to say, but he just sensed the presence. Sure enough, when he turned his head he saw him enter with Rahna, both of them looking flushed and happy. Kaidan's expression died immediately when his eyes glanced over the room to spot Shepard. His glare hit hard. Then it was gone. Kaidan collected his tray and Rahna's and resolutely took a seat with his back to Shepard on the opposite side of the room.

Never before had he felt so close to crying. He hated the feeling just as much as he reveled in it. Was this enough hurt? Not hardly. He ate his breakfast as quickly as he could. He needed to stop by the room and shower before Kaidan returned. He was a damn coward, he knew. As he returned his tray to the line and exited the mess hall, he once again felt the hot, angry gaze burning into him. He tried as hard as he could not to glance back. He didn't need to.

* * *

Shepard showered at a record-setting pace. He toweled off haphazardly, dressed rapidly, and hit the switch to open the door. A fist hit him square on the jaw sending him crashing back onto the wall. Pain exploded in his mouth as he slid to the wet tiles. He looked up. Kaidan loomed over him, rage mixed with a cocktail of other emotions plain on his face.

"Where the _fuck_ have you been?" he demanded.

Shepard opened his mouth. Closed it. That was not the question he'd been expecting. So he said, "huh?"

"I looked for you all fucking night!" Kaidan raged. "You never came back, did you? You just fucking disappeared! You can't _do_ that here, Shepard. Don't you understand? If you get in trouble, Vyrnnus will end you!"

What the hell? "You were looking for me?"

His dumb question just enraged Kaidan further. "Of-fucking- _course_ I was! How could I let you get your ass kicked over nothing?"

Nothing? Ah. Right. There it was, clear and horrible. Kaidan's true feelings. He felt nothing. Nothing at all. Shepard finally felt that sensation he'd been dreading and hoping for. The wide open gash like his chest was on fire. He almost laughed. Almost. 

Kaidan was still lecturing him, but the words had no meaning until, "Rahna and I were so worried, we-"

"You know what?" Shepard cut him off, stood up. "I don't give two shits about what you and Rahna were doing." He shoved past Kaidan. 

"How can you even say that?" Kaidan demanded, swinging around to face Shepard. "You're the one who-"

Shepard's anger and grief finally boiled over. His yell of frustration brought Kaidan up short. "I made a mistake! A big, fucking mistake! You and Rahna... you and her..." he swallowed several times. His voice was hoarse and raw when he spoke again. "I'm glad you've got each other. I'm glad someone's got your back because it can't be me. It can never be me." Kaidan stepped towards him with wide eyes, but Shepard held up his hand in warning. "Please don't. You've done enough. You've... you've done things you don't even know. I don't blame you, but I've been wrong about you. About myself. Just..." Unable to continue, he retrieved his duffel from his footlocker and started gathering his things. Kaidan watched him silently without making a single move to stop him. It tore at Shepard's heart. He'd been both an idiot and an ass. Kaidan had only taken his advice. Now he was paying for it as if he'd done something wrong. Was this what it felt like to be in love? Was it such a jealous and unfair thing? Wanting to give your lover anything they desire - anything to make them happy - and then hating them for obtaining it if it was something, or someone, else? If so, love was the worst invention in the galaxy. Shepard didn't want it, even though there was little he could do to stop it.

He didn't have many personal items, so Shepard was packed in a few minutes. He walked to the door and paused. "I'm sorry, Kaidan, but I have to stop pretending to be your friend now." Kaidan said nothing.

For the second time, Shepard left the room without turning back. But unlike last time, he wouldn't make the mistake of coming back. He could find another place to bathe. He was resourceful. He knew he couldn't ask any of the other students to move in without word getting around. The scientists were so strict about the room assignments, they wouldn't let him switch, anyway. Just another way to control the biotic freaks. It didn't matter. He had a comfortable place to go. He didn't care if the staff caught wind of his vacating his room. He didn't care if Vyrnnus came after him. He didn't care if it worried Kaidan. There were only so many things he could put up with, and suffering in love was simply not one of them.

He slipped back through the maintenance door again once the coast was clear and tossed his belongings onto the mattress. He stared down at his new home and thought to himself that if he could survive his time here at Brain Camp, he could survive anything else the galaxy saw fit to throw at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so much more angsty than I had imagined it would be. But that's good. It makes the conflict and resolution that much more awesome. I hope. :3 Sorry if there are tons of mistakes in this chapter. I didn't get a chance to edit it very thoroughly.


	6. Heroes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vyrnnus escalates. Kaidan and Shepard reach a breaking point.

The next few weeks only got worse for all of them, though Shepard was feeling the strain more acutely than normal, due to his emotions being so raw. Kaidan never spoke to him, but Shepard could always feel those amber eyes following him. Whenever he turned around to seek out his former roommate in a fit of weakness, the scene was always the same. Kaidan and Rahna practically glued together. Kaidan willfully ignoring him. A month ago, Shepard would have warned them about jealousy and such an overt relationship, but no one had the energy to care anymore. Vyrnnus was systematically breaking each and every one of them down. More and more students disappeared from the training. Those who remained kept their heads down.

Daniel was taking it especially hard. After another exhausting breakfast where Vyrnnus denied food to anyone who dropped their trays, he called the students immediately to morning training without a break. 

Shepard walked next to Daniel, who was shaking visibly and more pale than normal. "When did you eat last?" Shepard asked.

Daniel shrugged weakly. "Dunno. Don't remember. What day is it?"

Worried, Shepard answered, "Thursday."

A small, hysterical sound spilled out from Daniel's lips. "Then, Tuesday, I think. Feels like forever, right?"

Shepard dug in his pocket and pressed a protein bar into his friend's hand when no one was looking. His private stash was running alarmingly low, but Daniel appeared about ready to drop over. The blonde biotic glanced down at his hand, saw the food, let out a strangled cry of relief, and stuffed the entire thing in his mouth at once, almost choking on it. Shepard pounded him on the back, biting back a laugh. _Try not to draw attention to yourself, _he reminded himself for what must have been the hundredth time. Keep your head down. Don't show off. Guard up at all times. Lock your emotions away.__

__Shepard silently chanted that mantra as the dwindling number of students shuffled into the gym. Dread, his now-familiar friend, settled in his stomach as soon as his boots crossed the threshold into the room. Just like everyone else._ _

__"Today we will practice stasis fields," Vyrnnus said without preamble. "A good stasis field is an invaluable ally in battle. As a crowd control device, help overcome the most impossible odds. Pair up."_ _

__Shepard glanced at Daniel again. His face look almost green. With a sigh, Shepard grabbed his friend's sleeve and pulled him towards one corner of the gym. "Don't worry about it," he said in what he hoped was a reassuring tone. "I'll do the field first and give you some time to let those calories kick in. Relax, okay? If you puke out that protein bar I'll kick your ass."_ _

__Daniel smiled weakly. "Yeah. Yeah, just try not to kill me, okay?"_ _

__Shepard shrugged. "No worries. Stasis fields are easy. Won't hurt at all, especially if it's close to the ground."_ _

__Vyrnnus had other plans, though. "We're going to make this interesting," his gravelly voice broke over the noise. Everyone fell immediately silent. "I want your stasis fields up there." He pointed towards the catwalks hanging twenty feet above them. "Your fields won't hold for long after you throw them, so make sure you're ready to catch your partner when the inevitable happens."_ _

__Shepard turned to Daniel. His friend's face mirrored the panic that swept through him. He tried to smile. "I've got this," he said, not believing himself one bit._ _

__Whether or not they were ready, Vyrnnus called for them to take their positions. Daniel shuffled out towards the center of the gym until Shepard called for him to stop. He glanced to the students on either side of him. To his relief he saw that most of his classmates didn't have enough energy left to create fields capable of lifting anything off the ground. Except Kaidan. Shepard's breath caught in his throat as he saw Rahna lift off her feet, pulled towards the dark energy field. Honestly, he couldn't bring himself to care much about _her_ at the moment, but Kaidan. The strain showed clearly on his face. The energy it had cost him was making him sweat and shake already. That added to the raw fear in his eyes made Shepard's heart clench. He was going to drop her._ _

__He turned back towards Daniel and drew the dark energy for the stasis field from deep within in chest. He felt it gather in his hands, strong and sure. Finally, he lobbed the ball towards the ceiling lightly. Daniel lifted off his feet and floated towards the catwalks, flailing the whole way. Shepard rolled his eyes and then looked back towards Kaidan. His stasis field was beginning to falter and collapse in on itself. It wouldn't be long before Rahna fell. Shepard noticed immediately that Kaidan's energy had flagged to the point where he wouldn't be able to make a strong enough net to catch her. Shepard flexed his fingers, staring intently at Kaidan's hands for the moment he threw his net. When Kaidan swung his arm, Shepard pushed out with his biotics, entangling them with Kaidan's, reinforcing the energy blanket half way between the fading stasis field and the ground. Rahna tumbled down with a startled cry, hit the net, and arranged herself quickly, feet pointing down so as not to injure herself if it faded before she could jump down. Kaidan's relief was palpable for a split second before he shot an angry look Shepard's way._ _

__Shepard almost missed it as he pitched the same net for Daniel to fall into. His friend fell without incident into and then dropped to the floor, unharmed. He jogged back to Shepard with a wide grin. "Nice work, Shepard. Man, that was sweet."_ _

__"You can thank me later," Shepard answered grimly. "After you get me off the ceiling safely."_ _

__But Daniel never got the chance to drop Shepard. Vyrnnus strode from his position at the far side of the gym. Rahna sidestepped behind Kaidan. When Vyrnnus reached them, it was easy to read his fury. He pointed a talon at Kaidan and Shepard. "You two. Follow me. Now."_ _

__Wordlessly, the boys followed Vyrnnus as the rest of the students parted to let them pass, mouths agape and pity heavy in their eyes. Once again, Shepard felt the strange itching under his skin. He glanced at Kaidan, but his former friend was staring straight ahead, expressionless._ _

__Vyrnnus didn't lead them far. Only to an empty classroom a few doors down from the gym. As soon as the door swished shut behind them, he swung around to the pair of them, though he focused on Shepard. "Shepard. This is the second time you have disobeyed me."_ _

__"How so, sir?" Shepard couldn't stop himself from saying. "I followed your instructions."_ _

__Vyrnnus bent forward until they were nearly nose-to-nose. In the back of his mind, Shepard knew he should have been pissing himself in fear. But after what he'd been through the past few weeks, he couldn't bring himself to care. His anger, his longing, his frustration, his _inadequacy_ , was ready to boil over. He just needed a reason. One reason. Vyrnnus did not oblige him._ _

__"Your attitude is not new to me," the turian snarled. "I have dealt with many like you. You think the universe is against you; perhaps that someone denied you something unfairly. You are bitter and you are angry. I can understand that. However, let me tell you this, Shepard. You are not special and you are not owed anything. You cannot fight me and you are no savior. Think for a moment about how your actions will affect those you are trying to help. You are weak, yet imagine yourself strong. That sort of delusional mindset will only end up hurting the ones you care for." His eyes flicked briefly towards Kaidan. And in that fraction of a second, Shepard felt icy shards run through his veins. He tried not to shiver outwardly. He'd underestimated himself. Vyrnnus knew everything._ _

__The turian stood tall again and said, "now that we seem to understand each other, you are dismissed. I must speak with Alenko privately."_ _

__There were so many conflicting thoughts and actions running through Shepard's mind at a lightning pace. Suddenly he was afraid. _Terrified_. More scared than he'd ever been in his life. He could do nothing for Kaidan now. Less than nothing. Shepard fled from the room._ _

__Out in the hall, panic set in rapidly. His heart thundered so fast he thought it might just stop all together. He scrubbed his sweating palms over and over on his pants as his knees buckled and he slid down the wall, gasping. Trying to draw deep breaths into lungs that seemed to burn in protest. He pulled his knees up and buried his head, letting the panic wash over him. There was no point in stopping it. He had no memories of crying before this moment, but was glad for it. The tears hurt as he choked them back and bit his bottom lip to keep silent. Was this what it was like to feel sorry for himself? It felt like death._ _

__He had no idea how long he sat there in the hallway. How long Kaidan stood in that empty room under Vyrnnus's wrath. He only felt the passage of time again when his ears picked up the sound of shuffling footsteps that could only belong to Kaidan. Shepard jumped to his feet, not caring about his wet face or red eyes._ _

__Kaidan appeared... fine. A bit white in the face, but unharmed._ _

__Shepard took a relieved step forward. Kaidan stepped back. They both stopped. "Kaidan, I..." Shepard winced at his nasally voice. He cleared his throat. Sniffled. Had no idea what else to say._ _

__"Shepard." His stinging eyes rose to meet Kaidan's. "Before I say anything else, I want to say thank you for helping Rahna."_ _

__Shepard opened his mouth, but Kaidan rushed on. "It really is time for you to stop this. Listen, I know you've been jerking me around since the beginning. I have no idea what your endgame is... or was, I guess... but it's over. I'm sick and tired of being confused and hurt by you. I mean, I can get over all that stuff, but it's not just about you and me and your childish game anymore."_ _

__Game? What game? "The hell are you talking about?"_ _

__This time, Kaidan stepped forward. "Are you seriously going to keep it up?"_ _

__"I don't understand." Shepard felt so at sea his brain refused to form a coherent thought. Nothing to clear the air with. "I wasn't playing with you."_ _

__"I don't believe you."_ _

__"But I-" Kaidan cut him off with a glare so full of distrust and anger, it sent Shepard back against the wall._ _

__"Enough. You've done enough now. You know that Vyrnnus has had it out for me since I mouthed off to him the day he got here. Well, now you're in the shit, too. He told me that if you helped me again for any reason, he'd come after me. And if I put a single toe out of line, Rahna'd be the one to pay for it." His lips curled up into a hateful smirk. "Vyrnnus thinks we're friends, Shepard. He thinks we planned this out together just to undermine him. And you know what else? I think he was right about you. You're no hero. You're just some punk kid trying to be king of the anthill. And this sort of thing may have worked or made you important with your gangs back on Earth, but here it's going to get people killed for real."_ _

__There were no words. Shepard felt small. Pathetic. He saw his actions colored through Kaidan's eyes and wanted to laugh at how foolish it all looked. How cruel. He didn't know what to feel anymore. Honestly didn't even know if feelings were possible with his mind so overloaded. Instead of arguing, he nodded. Just nodded. Told Kaidan he understood. Watched his lifeline slip away down the hall._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear to you all that I haven't abandoned this story! Thank you so much for your patience! There's been a lot going on, and I didn't want to short change this particular work.


	7. Bravery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vyrnnus gets what's coming to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is an apology for all of you who waited so patiently for so long! I'm going to finish up the last chapters quickly, I promise!

The next several days passed in a numb haze for Shepard. Soul searching really wasn't his thing, so he lacked even the basic comfort his mind might have provided. However, the fear Vyrnnus had set blazing in him remained. He toed the line hard, and collected his belongings from his hideaway, moving into an empty dorm room late at night. He looked around the small space with dread. What had happened to the poor kids who had lived here before? Their personal items still littered the room. Rumpled uniforms tossed carelessly on the floor; a family photo on the desk; toothbrushes by the sink. 

Panic welled up again from deep inside Shepard's gut. With shaking, sweaty hands, he dug into one of the footlockers and grabbed an empty duffle. He shot around the room, throwing everything into it with manic force. He didn't remember who had lived in this room - prayed he didn't find out. He ripped the sheets from the bed and tossed those away too, for good measure. When every last remnant of personal touch was gathered and zipped into the bag, he dashed from the room and stuffed the duffle and linens down the garbage chute.

The air back in the dorm room seemed far less oppressive once the items were cleared from it. Shepard pulled deep breaths into his lungs, willing his heart rate to slow. Once calm he unzipped his own duffle and pulled out his sheets and uniforms. He didn't have any personal items to speak of, save for a beat up data pad he'd bought years ago on his birthday when one of the Reds he'd run around with took pity on him and gave him a few credits. He had intended to use it to keep track of the days and months that rolled by without form or color. That year he'd actually forgotten his birthday, and had been alarmed to realize that he wasn't sure if he'd turned twelve or thirteen. So, he'd bought the second-hand pad, but when he went to wipe the memory, he'd found it loaded with books. Typical kid's stuff. Space adventures. Glorifications of the First Contact War. Comics featuring chiseled Alliance soldiers performing any number of heroic deeds on backwater planets. Shepard had never been off planet before, but it sure seemed like a sweet ride in those stories.

But his first trip away had dumped him here on Jump Zero. With Kaidan. With Vyrnnus. And from up here it Earth was the better hellhole. Shepard kicked back on his new bed and flipped aimlessly through the datapad, not really reading anything. It hadn't been so bad before Vyrnnus had shown up. The Alliance probably didn't know exactly what was going on here. Why would they? They had bigger problems than worrying about a handful of biotic teenagers. They probably thought the lot of them would eventually get brain cancer and die like the rest of the eezo-exposed masses. No one knew what to do so Conatix was likely able to keep their mishaps hidden easily.

Shepard tossed the datapad aside and stared at the ceiling. Stared and waited for the brief hours of sleep his body allowed him. Waited for another day to just get through.

* * *

Mornings in the mess hall were gradually improving. They'd all mastered the art of ignoring their exhaustion enough to collect their food without launching it across the room. It was hard to tell, but Vyrnnus appeared to become angrier the better they all performed. He had yet to ratchet up his harsh methods again.

Vyrnnus's reach didn't appear to extend to them after lights out, so the students often gathered in each other's rooms to play cards or watch old vids saved to their omni-tools before they'd left home. It hardly mattered what they did as long as they had the comfort of camaraderie. Neither Kaidan nor Rahna typically showed up to the gatherings. Shepard refused to imagine what the pair of them got up to.

As every morning, Shepard sat in his usual spot near the back of the hall with Daniel. Neither of them spoke very much, so as not to draw unwanted attention, but they ate in companionable silence and trained together when Vyrnnus called for pairs. 

"They're the most boring couple ever," Daniel said softly around a mouthful of tasteless protein. Fucking mind reader.

"Sorry, what?"

Daniel nodded to the table in front of them. "You're staring at Rahna again."

Shepard cursed inwardly. Glad Daniel hadn't noticed who he was _actually_ staring at. Still, he said, "what are you talking about?"

Daniel smirked. "Kaidan's so vanilla you wouldn't believe. Maybe there's trouble in paradise, or something. He's been a bit distant with Rahna for a long time. Like, ever since you two had that falling out. Hard to understand, really. She's so hot."

Interesting. No, Shepard, _not_ interesting. Not his damn business. "Hadn't noticed."

"Figured," Daniel answered. "What happened with you guys, anyway? I mean, I know he's got a stick up his ass and all, but I thought you were getting along."

Shepard shrugged. "Nothing happened. We just don't like each other."

Daniel appeared to accept the answer and went back to his breakfast quietly. Thankful for the reprieve, Shepard continued his study of Kaidan, though less overtly than before. The strange torrent of feelings wouldn't leave him alone. He couldn't calm it no matter what he did. The buzzing in his head carried on relentlessly. He huffed out and tore his gaze away finally, knowing the visual stimulation wasn't helping at all.

That was when it happened. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Rahna's hand reach out. Her delicate fingers brushed against the water pitcher on the middle of the table. Kaidan reached towards her - warning about performing the task without biotics. She shrugged him off, exhausted. Unable to care. Her hand wrapped around the pitcher. Vyrnnus was on them in the blink of an eye. 

He yanked Rahna out of her seat. She shrieked in pain, her arm bent at an unnatural angle, the pitcher clattering to the floor, spilling its contents in a wide arc. Kaidan vaulted to his feet. His chair slammed to the floor. The students around them jumped up and put as much distance between Vyrnnus and themselves as possible. Shepard gripped the edge of the table hard, forcing himself not to move. Daniel joined the rest of the students in the corner of the room.

"Let her go," Kaidan demanded.

Vyrnnus shoved Rahna. She collapsed to the floor and two of her friends dragged her away quickly. 

He turned his wrath on Kaidan. "I warned you, did I not?"

"How does that justify what you just did?" 

Shepard watched, half fascinated, half terrified, as Kaidan's fists clenched at his sides, a small blue glow gathering in his hands. Jesus, what was he going to do?

But Kaidan had already lost it. There was no way to stop him. "You've been torturing us for _weeks_ now! We're tired. We're broken down. What in the hell do you expect us to do?"

"I expect you to follow orders."

Kaidan's biotics flared over his entire body now. Shepard carefully stood, edging closer to Kaidan. He chanced to look at the other students to see if they were at a safe distance. All of them stared with wide-eyed fear at Vyrnnus. All except for Rahna. Her fear was directed at Kaidan. Despite himself, Shepard felt his gut clench.

"That's all I've _been_ doing, you Turian bastard! That's all _any_ of us have been doing! How much is enough?"

Something looked about ready to explode. Vyrnnus must have sensed the danger, too. He snarled and yanked Kaidan by the collar. Shepard saw the knife before Kaidan did. He threw himself over the table with a yell, pushing Vyrnnus away.

"Kaidan!" he screamed. 

Vyrnnus's arm raised over his head and slashed down. Shepard felt a sharp burn on his scalp and the warm rush of blood down his face. His eyes met Kaidan's. Kaidan shoved Shepard to the floor just as the knife thrust upwards and Kaidan stumbled back, his hand immediately slapping over his lip. His eyes narrowed.

"Kaidan, don't..." Shepard said weakly. But Kaidan wasn't listening. He was beyond hearing.

Shepard watched with fascination and horror as Kaidan gathered his biotics in the blink of an eye. Vyrnnus rushed him, the heavy Talon knife ready to strike again. Kaidan lashed out with every last bit of his energy; a front kick backed by biotics meeting Vyrnnus squarely on the chest. The dark energy explosion burst forth a wave and flash that nearly blinded them all. Vyrnnus's neck snapped back with a terrible crack and he flew backwards into the wall.

The cafeteria staff were on him in seconds, yelling over their radios for medical staff. The students ran from the room in all directions.

Shepard scooted towards Kaidan's crumpled body. Shepard rolled him over. He was breathing, but the biotic flare had cost him. He was unconscious, his lip bleeding freely. His whole body burned with fever. Shepard turned his head to the side to spit out his own blood, then pressed his hand over Kaidan's wound, feeling sick and relieved and so very, very much in love. He cradled Kaidan's head against his shoulder tightly until the nurses had to pry them apart for transport to the medbay. Vyrnnus wasn't there when they arrived, but Shepard hardly had the time to notice. He rushed to Kaidan's side even as the other nurses tried to muscle him into a bed.

"Kaidan, how is he? Is he okay? Is he going to be okay?"

Dimly he felt a prick on his arm, then the world blurred in waves until there was nothing but darkness.

* * *

Shepard woke slowly, not entirely sure whether he'd dreamed the fight with Vyrnnus. He cracked his eyes open to the blinding lights of the medbay, wincing and moaning. His head throbbed. He touched his forehead lightly and his fingers brushed a sterile bandage. Not a dream, then. Shit. The lights made his sensitive eyes water. He turned to the side. Saw Kaidan. Awake. Talking quietly to Rahna. Her back was to Shepard, but he caught the moment Kaidan reached for her and she jerked her good hand back from him. The stool scraped back as she hurried to her feet and left the infirmary quickly. Kaidan. Kaidan. Amber eyes closed and squeezed shut briefly. Then opened. They looked clear. Almost... relieved. Or maybe the painkillers were simply making Shepard delusional. Either way, he felt a twinge of sympathy somewhere buried in the ocean of his other selfish emotions.

"Hey," Shepard said after a pause. His voice sounded hoarse and cracked.

This time Kaidan met his eyes with no anger or hate or surprise. Just... Kaidan. That look that was uniquely his. The look he hadn't seen in more than a month.

"Shepard," he answered, his words thick against the swelling and stitches that ran in a jagged line up his chin and the corner of his lips. 

"Is Rahna...?"

He shook his head. "She's just shaken up. Said I scared her a little back there. She... I dunno. She said she needs some time."

Shepard shifted a little. Wormed his way to a better sitting position. "Any word on Vyrnnus?"

Kaidan followed him to a sitting position, his expression grim. "No one's told me anything so far. I don't think he's here anymore. The scientists took him away pretty fast."

Shepard pulled the sheets up over his chest. "Good riddance. But hey, I've never seen that sort of power before. You packed a pretty big punch."

"Yeah, felt like my head was on fire." They were silent for a few minutes. Shepard didn't dare break fragile atmosphere.

But Kaidan finally said, "thanks, Shepard."

"For what?"

"For saving my ass. Again."

"I'm sorry about going against orders. I mean... I sort of acted before I thought."

"That makes two of us," Kaidan said. "I don't know what happened. I just stood up. Didn't even know what I was gonna do, really. I was so... _mad_. Scared. I dunno."

"So was I," Shepard murmured. 

Kaidan looked at him. A small smile tugged at the corner of his swollen lips. "You know, I-"

A nurse cut them off. "You two are free to go. Your scans checked out. There should be no lasting damage, though with our medi-gel supplies so low, we can't spare any, so you'll probably scar. Get some rest, okay? There's a meeting in the cafeteria tomorrow at 08:00. Don't miss it."

Whatever he was going to say, Kaidan let slide, and Shepard didn't press him. But they left together and rode the elevator to the dorms comfortably. As they approached Kaidan's room, he stopped and held out his hand. "Shepard. I was wrong about you. Vyrnnus was wrong. You're a pretty big damn hero in my book now. I'm sorry for thinking otherwise. Seriously, again, thanks."

Shepard took the offered hand. Feeling its strength and warmth. Suddenly wanting to cry. "Yeah," he said, turning away and jogging back to his own room. As the door shut he felt more unsure than he had when he had woken up. What was he supposed to do now? Kaidan didn't hate him at all. The thought should have calmed him. Made him happy. But the painful surge of unadulterated love that hit him only hurt him that much more, while at the same time brining back that tiny, awful ray of hope.


	8. Fallout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan deals with the fallout of his fight with Vyrnnus. Shepard deals with the fallout from the fallout.

Shepard passed a sleepless night staring out the window into the void of space. He outwardly blamed his throbbing head, but knew his own foolishness was actually to blame. So, he watched the stars. Made a ritual of opening his omni-tool to type, then shutting it off after convincing himself he'd only make things worse. But as his fingers hovered over the keyboard, aching to write the words spinning in his head for the tenth time, the message light pinged and blinked.

Kaidan. _Rumors are already spreading._

Shepard typed rapidly. _Haven't heard anything. You okay?_

The reply came quickly. _For now. Everyone's giving me a wide berth, though._

Jesus. Already? Shepard wanted to say something nice; something profound, but instead he sucked his pride down and typed, _What about Rahna? Is she all right? Did you talk to her again?_

He waited. No answer. Counted the seconds. Then the minutes. He almost gave up when, _Just called her up. She's with a bunch of her girlfriends. Said she couldn't talk._

Hating himself more and more, he sent, _Do you need to talk?_

This time there was only a brief pause. _No. Thanks. Just need sleep. See you tomorrow._

There was no use in replying, so Shepard switched off his omni-tool and crawled into his bunk to watch the stars until he drifted off.

* * *

Three scientists and two stuffy-looking Alliance officers were waiting for them when the students gathered in the mess hall the following morning. No one spoke as they took their seats. Shepard noticed that Rahna sat with Kaidan still, but her chair was positioned more than an arm's length away. Unease washed over Shepard at the sight.

The head scientist stepped forward first to address them all in his now-familiar monotone. "Students. In the wake of recent events, we felt the need to reassess our training program here. Yesterday I spoke with Alliance command, and they have come to inform you all of the meeting's outcome." Short and vague as always.

The taller of the two Alliance officers, a graying woman with an impressive line of medals pinned to her chest spoke next. "First and foremost, ladies and gentlemen, I must apologize to you on behalf of the Systems Alliance. We have done a great disservice to each and every one of you." Her voice was surprisingly kind coming from such a severe appearance. "Though begun with the best of intentions, BAaT has clearly done more harm than good. I will not make excuses for the lack of oversight simply because we humans are unfamiliar with biotics. The Alliance should have watched over you all carefully. Instead, we allowed terrible abuses to go unpunished under our own roof. I am deeply sorry that all of you have suffered because of our lack of understanding. 

However, yesterday's events proved that you have all been pushed far beyond your abilities. Far beyond what your bodies and minds can reasonably handle. Therefore, the Systems Alliance has revoked its funding and support of the program. All of you will be returned to your families next week once we have arranged for proper transport. You and your families will also be fully compensated for what has happened here. 

Lastly, I want to make it perfectly clear that nothing that happened here is your fault. None of you are going to be punished or prosecuted for acting out in times of extreme duress." 

That was probably the best confirmation of Vyrnnus's death they were likely to get. Shepard bit his bottom lip and glanced at Kaidan. The older boy was tying his best to sit tall while avoiding anyone's eyes, but he was aware of how everyone was looking at him. How _Rahna_ was looking at him. Shepard noticed the simmering look on his face that Kaidan often tried to play off as aloof. It was the same look he'd had twice before. Both times aimed at Vyrnnus, but without anyone to focus on now. 

_Don't do this to him, Rahna,_ he begged silently. _What do you think will happen if you abandon him now?_ He knew his prayer was futile. Rahna was just as broken down and scared as the rest of them. He passed his eyes around the room. Everyone must have been thinking about what they were going to do now. What would happen to them once they saw their families again. Once they had to explain why they'd left so whole yet returned so shattered. Shepard didn't pity any of them that. For once he was glad there was no one to explain himself to. But Kaidan? Shit, he was going home with a whole extra piece missing that none of them could begin to fathom.

The Alliance woman droned on for another minute or two before turning the floor over to the other officer. The shorter man only briefly stated that they would be debriefing each student personally over the next few days before returning home. Until then, the meal schedule would remain, but there would be no more training. 

When he finished speaking, the head scientist dismissed them. Most students left presently towards the dorms to gossip. Shepard trailed behind Kaidan who trailed behind Rahna.

Irritation twinged when Kaidan ran to catch up with Rahna. Irritation built to anger when she promptly moved away from him to a small group of girls. Anger flared to indignation as he witnessed Rahna treating Kaidan just like everyone else. With revulsion. Indignation ignited into white-hot rage as she opened her perfect mouth to say something that would unintentionally break everything beyond repair. And Kaidan was already dangerously close to that particular edge.

Rahna's fear overrode her knowledge that nothing mattered more than the words of loved ones. Shepard, for one, had never forgotten that. He inserted himself between Rahna and Kaidan. Looked the girl square in the eye, and with voice pitched threateningly low, said, "don't you fucking dare." He grabbed Kaidan's arm and dragged him to the elevators, shoving the gathered crowd out of the way. No one wanted to be near Kaidan, so they rode to the dorms alone. 

Kaidan's fury broke the second he got to his room. Shepard expected something, but not the fist that swooshed by his head. He gasped, "what the fu-" before another wild swing came his way. 

"Shepard, you goddamn piece of-"

Shepard tackled Kaidan hard and pinned the leaner boy to the ground easily. He grabbed the flailing wrists with either hand, restraining them at his sides. He fixed the rest of Kaidan's body down by straddling his waist, immobilizing his trunk, feet and knees locking his legs to the floor. In his struggle, Kaidan's biotics flared briefly up his hands and arms, electrifying Shepard enough to numb his fingertips. His hold stayed firm. He should have realized sooner that involving himself made him the outlet for the unsatisfied storm, warranted or not.

"Are you trying to start something with me?" he growled.

Kaidan fumbled and squirmed under his grip, too angry for his biotics to do any more than crackle and flicker. "Get _off_ of me."

Shepard snorted. "So you can take another swing at me? Hell, no."

Kaidan bucked his hips up trying to throw Shepard off balance, but Shepard was stronger. He also knew every trick in the book. "I can do this all night," he warned.

That enraged Kaidan further. Every muscle in his body strained against his captor. Frustrated noises pushed from his chest. The effort made him start to sweat. Shepard merely kept up the pressure, waiting out the storm. He'd never seen Kaidan like this, even when Vyrnnus was at his worst. The Turian bastard had deserved every bit of Kaidan's wrath. Gradually, Kaidan calmed down enough that his biotics fizzled out and Shepard felt confident to release him without taking a hit to his already-throbbing head.

Kaidan struggled to his feet and paced the small room with agitated strides. "It's all just a big, fucking mess! And Rahna, she - she's just - she's like..." His hands fisted into his hair, tugging harshly. "She won't even _look_ at me anymore because of what - _jesus_ , what am I supposed to do?!"

Helpless, Shepard did the only thing he felt he could. He grabbed Kaidan and pulled him tightly against his chest, holding him while the older boy trembled alarmingly against him. Was he crying? Shepard tried to ignore the wetness soaking into his shoulder. He patted Kaidan's back. Rubbed soothing circles onto the his neck, brushing his amp port accidentally.

"Vyrnnus could have killed you," Kaidan murmured after a time, his calmer voice muffled by Shepard's shirt. Shepard felt Kaidan's warm breath on his neck. He swallowed hard, suddenly lightheaded. This was bad. Very, very bad. An itch crawled up his whole body somewhere under his skin. He forced it back. Continued his rhythmic motions helplessly.

"I wasn't worried about me."

Kaidan's head nuzzled further into his collar, sending chills up and down Shepard's spine. "You said you wouldn't have my back anymore."

A wry smile worked its way out. "I lied."

Kaidan pulled away, but not far. It caused Shepard something close to physical pain to see his pulled hair and wet eyes. But he didn't look away first. That was something he could never do. And for the time being, Kaidan held his gaze.

"I'm sorry."

Shepard grabbed Kaidan's shoulders desperately. "Don't say that! There's nothing at all - nothing in this entire galaxy you have to apologize for. Vyrnnus was trying to kill us! Or... you. I guess. He broke Rahna's arm and pulled a knife on you. What else were you supposed to do?"

Kaidan studied his face. His eyes flicked over every inch of Shepard. Searching for what, Shepard had no clue. Something he hoped he possessed. Kaidan's expression settled curiously.

"What are you thinking about right now?"

His eyes darted back up to Shepard's, surprised. Like he'd been broken out of a reverie. "I... well. I was just wondering when it all stopped being about Rahna and started being about you."

Heart in his throat, Shepard said, "what do you mean?"

Kaidan stepped towards him, never looking away. Shepard wished he would look away. Break the damn spell. But Kaidan said, "I'm not sure," and closed the distance between them. His lips touched Shepard's in a way that sent the younger man's nerve endings into overload. He felt everything in sharp relief. The scratch of Kaidan's stitches. The salt of dried tears on his mouth. The frantic pounding of his heart when Shepard brought his hand up to trace the pulse point on Kaidan's neck. His tongue hesitantly drew a pattern over the seam of Kaidan's lips, and when that mouth opened under his own, he thought the whole damn universe had come into alignment.

Kaidan was the one to bring their bodies flush against one another as he cautiously deepened the kiss, his tongue meeting Shepard's. God help him, but Shepard practically devoured Kaidan's mouth until it was too much and Kaidan breathed sharply though his nose, jerking back.

"My lip," he said before Shepard could apologize.

"I guess I got carried away," Shepard answered shyly.

"I started it," Kaidan argued, stepping forward again and leaving Shepard no choice but to mirror his movements backwards. His calves hit the bed and he took Kaidan down gently with him.

Before anything else happened, Shepard had to know. "Is this okay? I mean, are you okay with this?"

Kaidan took his hand; entwined their fingers. It was the most terribly sweet gesture Shepard had experienced up to this point in his life. "Yeah. Shepard, I don't want you to think I'm doing this because my head's all messed up, all right? It _is_ messed up, but not because of you." He shrugged his shoulders a little. "It's like... like you're the only one who understands. Who _wants_ to understand. Maybe you're the only one who ever will. I dunno. I just know that being here with you is the only time I feel like everything's clear. You know?"

He did know. So very well. He kissed Kaidan again, gently, briefly. Slid his lips down over Kaidan's jaw, reveling in the way he bent his head back to expose more of his neck. "Just lay back," he whispered as he unzipped Kaidan's uniform jacket. He'd dreamed endlessly of this moment. The moment when all of his senses could be completely consumed by Kaidan. A moment that should have never come. A moment he didn't deserve in the slightest. A moment he took anyway. 

His hands tracked all over Kaidan's chest and arms, feeling skin heating under him as he brushed his fingers lower. Muscles twitched and he felt the slight rise of Kaidan's hips off the bed. His ears picked up a muffled breathless moan as his teeth and tongue found the sensitive areas. Along the ribs. Low on the belly. Just over the belt.

Kaidan reached down and yanked at his pants. Shepard helped him enthusiastically, then presently thought he might die of overstimulation when Kaidan's dick broke free of his boxers. This had to be a dream. The best dream ever, but still a dream.

Shepard moaned low in his chest and bent his head forward before he woke up. He kissed the head of Kaidan's cock, hearing a startled shout of pleasure above him. His left hand moved to cup Kaidan's balls, teasing them, as his right hand undid his own pants. He opened his mouth and took Kaidan shallowly, sucking gently and running his tongue around the head in long circles.

Kaidan cursed. His hands fisted in the sheets. His hips bucked unintentionally, thrusting his cock fully into Shepard's mouth, but he was ready for it. It had been a long time since he'd done something like this, but his body responded without much need for thought. He relaxed his throat and took Kaidan deeply, humming against the fullness and stroking his own cock slowly. He pulled his head back and felt Kaidan's hips try to rise with him. 

Quickly, he found a good, moderate pace, taking Kaidan in at different depths, listening to his responses and feeding off of them. He tasted precome. Took a moment to suck more from the head before returning to the right rhythm. It felt blissful having Kaidan writhing under him. It felt right. It felt perfect. It felt like he wasn't going to last very long.

He stroked harder on his own cock while using his tongue and lips to bring Kaidan to the same, blind ecstasy he was experiencing. Kaidan's buildup was easy to sense. Every muscle in his body tensed. His back and hips and legs rose off the bed as his feet dug into the sheets. His head fell back and he clenched his jaw.

Shepard made sure Kaidan came first. He thrust down one more time, opening his throat again and swallowing. The contraction of muscles around his cock sent Kaidan over the edge. He came beautifully with a hoarse cry as his muscles trembled and his warmth shot down Shepard's throat.

He worked his mouth up and off of Kaidan with gentle suction, then rested his head on Kaidan's abs. Three hard pumps into his own hand was all it took for his own orgasm to white out his vision and send him spiraling into who-even-knew-where.

He couldn't move. Dimly registered Kaidan's hands pulling him up. His head resting on a warm chest. Cold sheets on top of him. Maybe a small kiss. He longed to stay awake. Knew it would never happen. Let himself drift off with his afterglow to where his actual dreams waited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally the juicy bits? Yay! One chapter left before we wrap this angst-fest up!


	9. Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Shepard make the most of their last days together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm such a liar. I know I said this would be the last chapter, but there was too much angst and sex for there to be a proper ending. Feel free to complain in the comments section. :3

As soon as he woke up, Shepard knew right away that something had changed. Something magnificent. Kaidan's warm body shifted lazily beside him. Shepard breathed in deeply, inhaling their warm, sleepy combined scent. 

"Mph." 

Shepard turned his head to see half-open copper eyes looking at him. "Morning," Shepard greeted, voice rough with sleep and embarrassment.

"Mnhm." Kaidan rubbed his face on Shepard's shoulder and shifted onto his stomach, closing his eyes again resolutely.

Shepard's fingers lightly brushed down Kaidan's arm. "Thought you were a morning person."

"Hnn. No."

Was this what being happy felt like? Not like he was under any illusions about their circumstances. He knew exactly how crappy their situation was, but the emotion that welled up in him was too hard to ignore. He was so fucking happy. The quiet room, the soft bed, Kaidan grumbling against him. It was the best.

His heart skipped a beat when Kaidan mumbled, "can we just stay here today?"

Shepard angled himself onto his side. Allowed himself the luxury of touching Kaidan's exposed skin. "Sure, but I'm starving. Aren't you hungry?"

More shuffling. Kaidan's head buried against his chest. "I'm gonna lie and say 'no.'"

Shepard laughed. A strange sound to his ears, and kicked his legs off the edge of the bed. Stood and made his way to the bathroom. "Fine. Lay there in bed cold and hungry. I'm gonna get cleaned up and eat."

"Have fun," came the groggy reply.

Shepard shook his head and turned on the shower. Once the water warmed he stepped into the spray with a sigh, letting the spray wash over him for several minutes before moving to actually clean himself. He gingerly touched his stitches. The area didn't feel so swollen anymore, but it still stung under the water. He soaped up his body and was rinsing off when he heard a husky, low voice behind him.

"Did I ever tell you that you look great with your head shaved?"

Shepard turned around and pulled Kaidan into the path of the water. Stared openly as it matted the older man's raven hair to his forehead.

"You have an overly-enthusiastic nurse to thank for that. It itches."

Kaidan's hands ran over Shepard's scalp - carefully avoiding the wound - before wrapping around his neck and tugging him closer for a kiss. Shepard felt his cock twitch. "I'm getting turned on," he admitted, as if Kaidan couldn't feel it against his thigh.

"Good," Kaidan answered, reaching between them and stroking Shepard's dick gently, planting wet kisses down Shepard's jaw and neck.

Shepard's forehead fell against Kaidan's shoulder. He took Kaidan in hand and matched his pace. Kaidan's breath left in a rush as he nudged his knee forward between Shepard's legs. 

It was too early in the morning and too new an experience for either of them to worry about endurance or artistry. They stroked one another roughly, breathing each other's air and gasping into each other's mouth between unskilled kisses. Shepard came fast and hard, almost before he was ready to. Kaidan wasn't far behind. When it was over, they stood with limbs tangled, panting, fingers loose around waning erections.

Kaidan pulled away once his heart rate recovered. He washed himself slowly while Shepard watched behind hooded eyes. 

"You didn't have to do that."

Kaidan tossed a small smirk over his shoulder. "It was more for me." He turned off the shower and they reentered the dorm room to towel off. 

Shepard shivered in the cold, recycled air. "Shit. I didn't get a change of clothes."

"Already done," Kaidan answered. He pointed to Shepard's old bed. A neatly folded uniform sat on top of the mattress. "I got it from your quarters just now. You should lock your door."

Shepard pulled on his boxers. "Why? I haven't got anything worth stealing."

Kaidan zipped his uniform jacket and paused. "Hey. What are you gonna do when we leave here?"

"Hmm? I dunno. Why?" He pulled his undershirt over his head. The fabric blocked his vision for a moment. When he had it down over his shoulders, Kaidan's face had changed to an expression of concern. "What's up?"

"I'm just... I mean, are you going back to the gangs on Earth?"

Shepard stalled his movements. That was Kaidan's biggest worry right now? His future life in crime? He was touched, but also felt a pang of guilt. Even with everything going on, Kaidan still had the energy to worry about someone else. "No," he said at length. "I'll probably be sent back to Earth, but I'm not gonna join the Reds again. Maybe I'll take the Alliance's compensation and live off it until I find a job or something. Who knows?"

Kaidan stepped up to him and distractedly pulled at Shepard's shirt sleeve. "I'm glad."

Shepard let him fidget; waited for some elaboration. But it never came. Kaidan seemed determined to keep his thoughts to himself again. "You can tell me what's really on your mind," he ventured.

"Ah. No, it's nothing, really. I was just wondering. Come on. Let's go eat."

Shepard let it slide. For now.

* * *

A list was posted outside of the cafeteria when they arrived. It listed all of their names in alphabetical order along with a day and time to report to the conference room for their debriefing. Shepard's time was a half hour from then. "Wonder what they're gonna say," he mused as he passed through the door with Kaidan. They stepped into the short queue at the food line and gathered their trays.

No one sat with them or even spoke to them. Granted, hardly any of the students were talking to anyone at all. Though the air seemed lighter without the pressure of Vyrnnus with them, none of them were confident of their futures anymore. At least Kaidan appeared to be honestly unaffected by the glances and occasional whispers this morning. He ate his breakfast at a leisurely pace. Waited patiently for Shepard to finish. Took both of their trays matter-of-factly and deposited them back at the food line window. The pair of them left the cafeteria together.

Kaidan checked his omni-tool. "You'd better get going to your debriefing. I'll probably be in the gym when you're done."

"Sure. I'll find you." He followed Kaidan with his eyes as the older boy walked away, shoulders straight and he smiled a little. Kaidan looked good moving that way.

* * *

The graying female Alliance officer beckoned Shepard into the meeting room and gestured for him to take a seat. He did so and she took hers across the small metal table. "You are John Shepard, correct?" she asked kindly.

Shepard nodded.

"I'm Admiral Miriam Hackett. Thank you for being punctual."

"Of course."

"Your case is fairly unique here," she said, cutting straight to the point. "I've read your file from cover to cover. It says that you have no family on Earth, or anywhere else, that you're aware of. Is this right?"

"Yes, ma'am," he answered carefully.

She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back in her chair. "I realize you're eighteen now, and a legal adult, but I must say that I'm concerned about simply returning you to Earth with nowhere to go. Do you have a place to stay?"

"No, ma'am," he said. Then, figuring she knew the whole story already anyway, decided on the truth. "I used to run around with the Reds before coming here. But I promised I wouldn't do that anymore. That I'd straighten up."

The admiral studied him. He squirmed under her gaze. However, her face eased into a smile. "I believe you, Shepard. That is indeed good to hear. You're very strong for having been through so much here and on Earth."

"It wasn't the easiest life," he hedged.

"Of that I have no doubt. Shepard, I won't beat around the bush and simply ask, would you be willing to consider enlisting in the Alliance Navy?"

He opened his mouth. Shut it. Enlist? For real? Someone like him? Why? He didn't even know his real first name. His first foster family had picked John and told him they thought it sounded nice with Shepard. During the good times. Before his eezo exposure. Before he'd burned their house down accidentally with his biotics. Before they'd tossed him back into the system. Tossed him to the Reds. "I... is that a good idea?"

The admiral leaned forward. She gave him a look that clearly showed she knew where his thoughts had gone. "It is," she answered firmly. "Frankly, Shepard, the Alliance could use people like you. I know all about what you've done here at the station. How you've put yourself at risk just to help your friends. How you've used your street smarts to honorable purpose."

He wasn't sure getting into Kaidan's pants qualified as an honorable purpose, but no one had ever praised him before, so he rolled with it. It made him feel good. Better than good. Like he was worth something for once. "What would happen if I did enlist?"

She smiled wider. "I'd arrange to have you sent directly to Arcturus Station for basic training. The next round of recruits arrives in three weeks, but before that, you would be assigned an officer who could show you the ropes. Help you get caught up."

"Like a mentor or something?"

"Exactly so."

Huh. He'd never had one of those before. Not the good kind, at any rate. "Fine," he said. "I'll do it. There's nothing left for me back on Earth anyway." He knew he was lying the second the words left his mouth, but he had to do something that was worth his love for Kaidan as well as his own damn future. He only hoped Kaidan would understand.

The admiral beamed and passed him a datapad. "I was hoping you'd say that. Please review the information on this pad and sign your name at the bottom."

He did as he was told, a little awed by the admiral's keen sense of persuasion. Had she really known all along that he would agree? He passed the datapad back. She rechecked the data and then stood and offered her hand. Her grip was firm and warm when she shook his. "Welcome to the Alliance Navy, Shepard," she said.

* * *

As promised, Kaidan was in the gym when Shepard left his meeting. He was sitting on the ground, tossing a weighted ball into the air with his biotics, letting it fall, and then catching it again before it hit the ground. Shepard watched his routine for several seconds before making his presence known. Kaidan jumped to his feet. "How'd it go?"

He scratched the back of his neck. "Pretty good, all things considered. Let's go back to the room. I'll tell you all about it." Kaidan looked hopeful even as a heaviness settled in Shepard's stomach.

Once in their room, Kaidan sat on his bed, Shepard across from him on his old one. He cast his gaze to the floor. Tried to gather his thoughts enough to say the right thing without shoving his foot too far into his mouth.

Voice laced with worry, Kaidan said, "is everything all right? Did something happen?"

"Yeah," Shepard answered slowly. He looked up. Kaidan read the worry and sadness in his expression.

Kaidan moved to join Shepard on his bed. Took his hand. They both stared at their joined hands for a long time.

"I enlisted," Shepard said.

Kaidan's surprise didn't show on his face, but Shepard felt his pulse quicken under his fingers. "So... you're not coming back to Earth?"

He almost choked on the word. "No."

Kaidan squeezed his hand. "Arcturus, then. Congratulations, Shepard. I think you're going to make a hell of a soldier." But he didn't sound congratulatory at all. He just sounded empty.

"Kaidan, I-"

"You don't owe me an explanation."

"But I _do_ ," he insisted. Despite knowing he'd set his life on the right path at long last, he was hurt. Brokenhearted, even. To let slip away one perfect thing for another was a bitter pill to swallow. "I've got to do better, Kaidan. I can't live and die on the streets anymore. I've never had many options. I barely finished high school. Never once thought about college. I've got no work experience, and certainly no prospects. Who the hell'd want to hire an ex-gang member?" He scrubbed his free hand over his shaved head. "But I've got my body. Common sense. I'm not thinking for second that I'm gonna make any real difference out there as a marine. Shit, I'll be happy just to pass basic and get an honest paycheck. As long as my life amounts to _something_."

"It will," Kaidan assured him. "After getting to know you, I'm sure it will."

"I just... I'm in love with you," he blurted out miserably. "I have been for ages."

Kaidan surprised him with a smile. "Thank you, Shepard." He leaned over and kissed him confidently. Pulled back just enough for their eyes to meet. "Don't regret anything, okay? 'Cause I'm not. But it's time for you to go out and save the galaxy just like you saved me."

"Sounds like a cheesy movie line."

Kaidan pulled Shepard on top of him and collapsed back onto his elbows. "Good. Maybe you'll remember it, then." Shepard bent down for a kiss, painfully grateful and sick with love.

* * *

Five days. Five days of willfully ignoring the passage of time. Shepard refused to say goodbye before the real end, even if it made the proverbial knife in his gut sharper every second. The night before he shipped off to Arcturus, Admiral Hackett presented him with his Alliance uniforms. It was real now. He was doing this. Becoming a part of something bigger. It filled him with pride and fear.

By virtue of having family in the Alliance, Kaidan knew how to properly wear the uniform, and showed Shepard how to fasten his duty uniform as well as his dress blues. He whistled when Shepard turned from the mirror, looking decidedly uncomfortable under the stiff collar.

"Damn, but you wear the colors well," he said appreciatively.

Shepard winked. "Hot, right?"

Kaidan came to him, trying his best not to wrinkle the uniform. "Sending you off is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done," he said quietly, brushing his nose against Shepard's jaw before moving in for a kiss. "So, do me a huge favor and fold up that uniform before I rip it off you and you get in trouble your very first day."

Shepard complied as quickly as possible with his hands shaking badly. Kaidan was already naked on the bed when he finished stowing his new uniform. Shepard crawled up the bed, kissing every inch of Kaidan's body on his way. By the time he reached Kaidan's mouth, the older biotic was panting and writhing under him, skin flushed. "Shepard," he groaned. "I want you to - _hng_ \- can we...?" 

"Yes," Shepard answered, attacking Kaidan's earlobe while reaching out to the desk to grab the bottle of lotion they'd been putting to good use over the past week. He sat up and laved a liberal amount onto his fingers. He paused, his bravado swept away at the sight below him. The last thing he wanted was to leave Kaidan with painful memories. And he'd never done _this_ before. 

But Kaidan trusted him implicitly. He opened his knees and said, "go ahead. I'm ready. More than ready."

Shepard felt his cock twitch. He wanted this so badly. Needed this. With his left hand he fondled Kaidan's balls and slid his hand up the shaft as he carefully inserted one finger into Kaidan. There was no resistance, but he felt internal muscles clench around him. He stilled his hand until they relaxed and then chanced to twist his finger ever-so-slightly. Kaidan's startled curse told him he'd hit the right spot. "Try to relax," he murmured, readying another finger at Kaidan's entrance. He pushed in slowly, watching Kaidan's expression carefully. He saw dark brows knit together briefly in discomfort then clear with pleasure as he made it knuckles deep and twisted again. He drew his fingers in a shallow thrusting motion, loosening Kaidan and wringing moans and praise from his mouth as his other hand settled into a counter-rhythm on his lover's cock.

Soon enough Kaidan was gripping the sheets tightly and begging for more. "Sh-Shepard... inside me... I want-"

Shepard removed his fingers and used more lotion to lubricate his own dick. He positioned himself carefully and then gradually pushed into Kaidan, stopping when he felt resistance or read any amount of pain on Kaidan's face. It felt like it took forever. By the time he was buried to the hilt, he was dangerously close to the edge. The heat and tightness were almost more than his senses could handle. Thankfully, Kaidan needed a moment to adjust before they started moving.

Shepard was much better in control by the time Kaidan signaled him that he was ready. Shepard withdrew almost completely and then thrust back in, breathing out harshly. "You feel so good," his strangled voice managed.

He lifted Kaidan's hips and thrust against a slow tempo, drawing out their pleasure. Their moment together. Kaidan's hands reached over his head, completely spread beneath Shepard, sweat beading on his flushed skin, eyes half-closed with need. He didn't try to force the pace, but he felt Kaidan's internal muscles begin to quiver around him as his release built. Shepard thrust deeper, urgently. Kaidan clenched almost impossibly tight around him as he came, wringing Shepard's own orgasm from him with a shout.

Exhausted, spent, Shepard cleaned them up quickly and gathered Kaidan against him in the dark under the sheets. "See you tomorrow," he murmured.

"Good night, Shepard."

* * *

Those were the last words they spoke to each other. Plain and normal. Inadequate, but something, at least. Shepard's ship to Arcturus arrived earlier than any of the other ships to take the rest of the students away. He stood in front of the airlock, dressed smartly in his uniform and desperately wanting to find some words to tell Kaidan the things he needed him to know. But Kaidan just kissed him one last time and stayed by the airlock door until Shepard was completely out of sight.


	10. Endings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Shepard each try to move on after Brain Camp.

Basic training kicked Shepard's ass in the best way possible. He sweat more than he thought possible; got yelled at more than most others; slept less than he needed. He reveled in the angry blisters covering his palms that were gradually fading into rough calluses. Took pride in his sore muscles that ached relentlessly when he dropped into his bunk at the end of the day. He quickly discovered that he had a sure head for military work. It all simply made sense to him. Reassembling guns, shooting straight, repairing armor, reading enemy tactics. Some of his ease likely came naturally from growing up with the Reds, but the rest he just loved doing. It felt gratifying - almost liberating, to be given a direct order to follow out. Something to focus on wholeheartedly without the necessity of second-guessing himself or listening to the noise in his head.

And a month later, he was confident enough to call Kaidan. The connection was weak, but enough to comfort him.

"Shepard," Kaidan said, pleasure plain in his voice. "It's good to see you. Good to hear your voice. How's Arcturus treating you?"

Shepard grinned. "Better than expected. You know, I think I'm getting the hang of the military life."

Kaidan chuckled. "Yeah. I was worried that you might have trouble following orders."

Shepard put a hand over his heart in mock offense. "You wound me, Kaidan. How much of a lone wolf do you take me for?"

"Is that a trick question?"

"Very funny. But never mind me, how are you?"

Kaidan shrugged and said hesitantly, "I'm back in Vancouver with my family. Dad's out on tour, so it's just Mom and me."

Shepard couldn't read his expression over the grainy connection. "Is something wrong?"

Kaidan rubbed his shoulder uncomfortably. "She's not really sure what to do with me, I guess. Not like I'm sure what to do with myself, either, but... it's like... she's avoiding me."

Shepard's eyes narrowed. "Why?"

He shrugged again. "Probably because of my biotics. And... what I did with them."

"Jesus, Kaidan!" Shepard exclaimed. "There's nothing wrong with you or what you did! She has to understand that. She's your mom!"

Kaidan shook his head. "That's the thing. She _wants_ to, but I don't think she _can_."

"What are you going to do?"

Kaidan paused. Then said, "I don't know, but it'll work out. Probably."

Shepard wished he could touch Kaidan right now more than anything. Be there for him with more than just useless words. He sucked at words.

"I know that look," Kaidan said, breaking him away from his thoughts. "You can't solve this, Shepard. And I don't want you worrying about me when you've already got so much on your plate. I can take care of myself. I'll work it out."

"Yeah," Shepard answered, trying to keep his voice positive. Then he remembered, "hey, I'll be in Vancouver next month after basic's over. Can we meet?"

Kaidan's eyebrows tipped up and he smiled widely. "So soon? Yeah! Yeah, we can meet. I'd love to."

"I miss you, Kaidan."

"Same here. More than you know."

"Look, I... I've got to go. But don't lose touch, okay? Message me. Call me. I don't care. I'll always answer."

"Got it. Shepard? Thanks for calling." Kaidan cut the feed, leaving Shepard with a slightly empty feeling. He trusted Kaidan to take care of himself and find a way to reconnect with his family, but he had to wonder just how much damage Conatix had really done with their awful propaganda. Had even Kaidan's mother bought into the bullshit? Shepard didn't know much about families, but he'd been under the impression Kaidan's family was solid no matter what. It worried him incredibly over the rest of his training.

* * *

Eight weeks later Shepard stepped off a shuttle into a dreary Vancouver afternoon. He glanced around, knew a brief moment of panic when he didn't see a familiar face, but as the other recruits cleared the dock, he saw a civilian dressed in jeans and a blue hoodie shifting from one foot to the other. Kaidan. Kaidan. Kaidan.

Shepard rushed forward and pulled Kaidan against him tightly. He heard Kaidan's gasp as the air rushed from his lungs in surprise, but his arms grabbed handfuls of his uniform shirt and held on for dear life. With relief, Shepard took in Kaidan's scent and form. Vaguely he wondered if the older biotic had lost weight. But the idle thought was swept away when Kaidan's lips crashed against his own.

He lost his sense of time and place until he heard a whistle and a catcall from somewhere behind him. "Welcome home, sailor!" a saucy, familiar voice yelled.

"Fuck off, Joker," Shepard called, not even bothering to turn around. 

His friend limped down the dock and passed them with a mock-salute. "So it's true that sailors have a bed in every port, isn't it? Have fun on shore leave, you crazy kids."

"Who was that?" Kaidan asked, amused.

"Jeff Moreau. We call him Joker. Because he's an ass."

"Not for his sharp wit?"

Shepard grinned. "He seems to think so, but I think it's an ironic nickname."

Kaidan held Shepard at arm's length. Gave him the once over. "You look amazing, Shepard. Bigger."

As much as he wanted to return the platitude, he couldn't. He touched Kaidan's cheek. Traced the dark circles under his eyes. Studied the smile that didn't quite reach those amber depths. "And you look tired."

"Too excited to sleep last night," Kaidan answered flippantly, but there was a slight edge to his voice that Shepard caught immediately. He opened his mouth to say so, though Kaidan, in his familiar fashion, cut him off before he got the chance. "You hungry? I know a great place not far from here."

"I could go for some real food," Shepard admitted, allowing the change of subject. "Lead the way."

* * *

Shepard grew more and more uneasy as the day progressed. Nothing seemed different on the surface. Kaidan talked the same. Moved the same. Kissed him the same. He _had_ lost weight, Shepard noticed when the lean body he'd longed for was arching up under him again, but other than that, there was nothing tangible he could put his finger on.

Much later in the darkness, Shepard said in a small voice, "we're okay, aren't we Kaidan?"

He felt Kaidan shift beside him. Felt the light brush of fingers over his chest. "Yeah. We're okay, Shepard."

Shepard was a damn coward. He didn't have the courage to press the subject. He never did with Kaidan. Love and happiness were such alien concepts to him that he held onto them as if they were made of sand. He knew he'd regret not reaching out to Kaidan in those hours they shared on his shore leave. Kaidan wanted something from him - no doubt about it - but he was too afraid to ask. And so was Shepard.

* * *

And here they stood again, in front of another airlock, too young and too foolish to ask too much or demand anything too selfishly. Kaidan kissed Shepard deeply and slowly. Released him with a small push back towards the ship waiting to take him on his first assignment as full-fledged Alliance marine. 

In his own cowardice, Kaidan waited until the airlock door was closing to say, "thanks for everything, John."

* * *

The messages and calls trickled off after that. At first, Shepard did his best to deny the change. Blamed himself for being too busy to call often enough or send proper messages. But Kaidan's replies became shorter and shorter until they simply stopped coming at all. Then, on the day of Shepard's graduation from officer's school, exactly two years after his last message from Kaidan, he received one.

He came back to his room at the barracks in Vancouver straight after the ceremony to find the small green light on his private terminal blinking. He hardly paid attention to it. Figured it was an angry message from the poor man he'd insulted at the bar the night before. 

He'd made an honest attempt to move on, really he had. In a fit of frustration, he'd gone to the trendy bar right off the base and promptly had a beer slid in front of him by a ridiculously handsome marine from Dublin with an irresistible accent. It was the best possible scenario. They'd talked amiably enough over the course of the evening, becoming progressively drunk and handsy. Finally, they'd retreated to a booth in the corner - probably set up for just what they were planning - to mess around. Shirt half-unbuttoned and head a mess of haze from the beer and liquor, Shepard had bent forward for another sloppy kiss, whispering his date's last name, when the man had made the mistake of telling Shepard to call him by his first name instead.

Shepard didn't remember the rest of what had transpired, but Joker had only been too happy to inform him that he'd practically exploded out of the booth, yanked the poor startled man by the collar, and threw him bodily out of the bar while screaming, "Kaidan is a Canadian, not Irish, you lying fuck!" Yeah. Joker'd had a good long laugh about that.

With a slight twinge of guilt, Shepard stripped out of his dress whites and put on his off duty blues before sitting down to compose his apology. His heart stopped and stuttered when he opened the mail. Not from an angry Irish Kaidan McIntire, but from an evasive Canadian Kaidan Alenko.

He cursed his trembling hands as he clicked the keyboard to open it.

_Shepard,_

_Congratulations on your graduation. I saw the news vids. The Alliance is really pushing for more enlistment right now, so they're glorifying the Navy life as much as possible. Anyway, whatever, that's not why I'm sending you this._

_I'm not really sure how to say I'm sorry without thinking it's just not enough for what I did to you. I had thought I was fine with everything that happened, but I wasn't. Not really. And it wasn't you, by the way. When you came back from basic, you blew me away with how GOOD you looked. How normal. I felt... well, honestly I felt like an idiot for not being fine like you. Then you left and I ran out of time to tell you how I felt. Then I got embarrassed. Ashamed. I don't know. Lots of things._

_Shepard, I'm going to be honest with you. I fell apart after you left. Again, not your fault or because of you, or anything. I was angry at everyone, including you, though. You didn't deserve it, but I was jealous of how you seemed to just brush off what happened at Brain Camp so easily. I wanted to get my life in order, too, but I was too messed up for too long._

_I'm getting better now, though. Things are changing. It's going to take a lot of time, but I'm sure I'll get through it all._

_And I want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry. I was an ass and a moron and a million other things. I just wanted to be your equal, but I honestly thought you deserved so much better than me when I saw you. I don't think you're aware of it, Shepard, but you have this gravitational pull around you that really makes you stand out from the crowd. You're an amazing man destined for amazing things._

_Maybe someday when things get better... I don't know. Just take care of yourself, okay? I'll keep watching. Keep being inspired by what you're making of yourself._

_Love,  
Kaidan_

Shepard wanted to be angry. Craved it. But just like back at Brain Camp, the feeling never materialized. He just missed Kaidan. Loved him. Wanted to tell him that he was the same scared kid under the veneer of the Alliance uniform, but he couldn't. His reply to the message bounced straight back saying the address was no longer in use. 

So instead of letting himself become bitter, he decided to keep on loving Kaidan, since there was nothing for it. Kept his hair shorn the way Kaidan had liked. Wore his scar proudly while never telling anyone how he got it. And every single morning for eight years, without fail, he climbed out of his bunk, pulled on his uniform, checked himself in the mirror, and murmured, "watch me, Kaidan." Vowed to focus only on whatever mission was ahead of him. Climbed the ranks. Made himself known. Achieved the N7 rank. Was awarded the Star of Terra after confronting Batarian slavers. Then at long last, shook hands with Captain David Anderson and accepted the position as his XO. Took one last look at the Vancouver skyline, and stepped aboard the _Normandy_ for the first time to meet her seasoned crew on their ship's maiden voyage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, A MILLION THANKS TO ALL OF YOU FOR READING! And commenting, and messaging me on Tumblr and here. I feel so loved. My story feels so loved. And since no less than five people here and on Tumblr have messaged me about writing a sequel even before the last chapter was posted, I figured I might as well. It probably won't be as long as this one, but I SWEAR it will have a nice, happy ending. PINKIE PROMISE!
> 
> I'm truly humbled by all the comments and kudos and praise. Seriously, y'all really brought me the feels. Thank you.


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